After my last post, I had some questions about what precedes a first narrative draft.
The stage immediately before a first narrative draft is something I call roughed-in.
It’s a full sequence of events that are relevant to the plot. It hasn’t yet been edited or pruned or finished.
It’s in a rough — but not raw — stage where it is shaped and ready to transformed into narrative form.
The example below illustrates that.
You can see that this is a dialogue scene punctuated by dramatic interruptions.
The interruptions form a miniature subplot that both foreshadows and raises the stakes for the reader.
The following step would be determining perspective, choosing language, and adding punctuation. Doing that will turn it into a first narrative draft — which I will be posting next.
98 – FOCUS (Rough Draft)
As the wagon train rises to Two Bears, Chet and Amos ride out to greet them. Chet rides alongside Cooper while Amos disappears toward the back.
Cooper’s wagon arrives in the yard first. Chet shows him where to park his wagon and then escorts him to the saloon. When they enter, there is a drunk and noisy poker game going at a back table. Dun and El are behind the bar while another guy sweeps the floor.
Excuse me, Mr. Sewager. This here’s Cooper. He’s leading this wagontrain and he’d like a word with you, if you please.
El gestures for him to step up to the bar.
Chet takes a seat on the perimeter.
Cooper is it? That a name or an occupation? Sewarger asks, not offering his hand.
Both.
How can I help you? El asks, putting an empty glass in front of him.
Cooper nods and El pours the drink. We’re heading up country. Need to lay up a day or two. Rest the stock. Then we’ll be on our way.
You folks cash or credit?
We got cash, Mr. Sewager. Not looking for charity.
Heading to Fleess?
No, sir. We don’t intend to cross the glacier. Just looking for a place to set up camp for a spell.
Camp? El’s eyebrows raise. In the mountains?
Yes, sir. North of here. Don’t want to be no bother to you.
You planning to stay altogether? Or split up in pockets all up and down the trail.
We’d like to stay altogether, but we’ll split up if we have to.
El looks at him with dead eyes. Good for me then.
Why’s that?
“Small groups.” He looks past Cooper to the table behind him. “Easy prey,” he says absentmindedly.
Cooper reacts. His back is up.
“God damn,” somebody shouts from the poker table, turning every head in the room except Cooper’s.
Two of the poker players laugh. One of the men says something cocky and sweeps a pile of money toward him. A prospector, stands up angry. El and Dun look at each other.
“You planning to prey on us, mister?” Cooper’s comment is lost in the kerfuffle.
The standing man is seething. “I need a minute.” Goes to the bar. Orders a shot. El says maybe tonight’s not your night. “I’ll be alright. Just need one good god damn hand.” Pushes off to go back to the table, but El grabs him by the wrist and pulls him in. “Remember what you were told, Eustace.”
“I remember,” the prospector pulls away and goes back to the table.
“I asked you a question, mister,” Cooper says louder and with more attitude.
El is preoccupied with the poker game. Signals to Chet and Amos who move in to flank the game. Dun steps out from behind the bar and moves over near Cooper, mad-dogging him.
El looks at Cooper like a stone cold killer.
Cooper adjusts his tone. Seems like you’re making threats, Mr. Sewager.
It’s the heathens you need to be concerned about. Small groups make it easy for them.
So how’s that benefit you? Copper is still tense and suspicious.
The stuff they take from you… they’ll bring it to me… to trade. I’ll wipe the blood off and sell it to the next fools who camp around here when the savages are in a bad fucking mood.
Copper backs off a little. El continues looking past him. So where would you suggest we camp?
If I were you, I would turn around. Long Lake Junction’s at the bottom of the hill you just climbed. Only place around here big enough for all of you.
That’s not gonna work for us.
Why’s that?
Long Lake is occupied.
El pulls out a coil of rope, puts it on the bar in front of Dun. Dun casually picks it up and makes his way up the stairs.
Occupied by whom? El asks, lingering on the em.
People from Old Mill.
Old Mill have a fire or something?
Insurrection.
They didn’t learn better last time? He says slowly widening his eyes and peering over his spectacles.
Town council’s gone rogue.
The entire council?
Most of them. Led by the butcher’s wife. In league with a bunch of haffers.
What kind of haffers?
Bunch of dwarves. Some other little haffers. A couple of orcs.
You know for certain they’re all working together. Not just a coincidence them all being in the same place at the same time.
No, sir. Arrived together. Marched into town like a parade. Butcher’s wife gave a speech about it. Freed the slaves then chased the slave owners out of town.
Butchers tend to work with elves, said El. You didn’t mention any elves.
Oh there’s elves involved aright. A hunter, his daughter… and a healer. A human, too. One of them brotherhood types. Bounty hunters from the way they tell it.
Swearing. Chair scrapes. Prospector stands up. Shouting at the man across the table. The other players laugh at him. Chet steps in. Tells the prospector he’s drunk. Either sit down and behave or go home.
El makes eye contact with Dun, who is above the prospector, leaning against the balustrade. Dun begins uncoiling the rope.
Let me get this straight. The butcher’s people are opposed to slavery; they stayed in town. All the people favoring slavery went to Long Lake.
Yes, sir.
You went to Long Lake to join them, but the camp was too full?
No.
No?
No. We’re not with either side. We’re just trying to stay out of the way.
So you’re recreants?
Cooper frowns. “I’ll be honest, Mr. Sewager, I don’t know what that is.”
“Recreats,” El repeated. “Means you’re cowards.”
Cooper chests up. “I ain’t no coward.”
“Taking a tone with me ain’t gonna make your situation any better,” El calmly warned him.
Cooper swallows hard and balls his fists.
“Doesn’t matter what I think you are. Only thing that matters is what the governor thinks.”
Cooper takes a breath, clenches his teeth, and hisses through his nose.
Outlaws took your town. You tucked tail and run. Recreants ain’t no better than insurrectionists, as far as the governor is concerned.
Cooper hangs his head.
Now you’re standing here… me knowing what you done… Makes me just as guilty as you.
We don’t want to be no trouble, Mr. Sewager.
Too late for that. You brought trouble with you.
We’re just trying to do the right thing.
Then get back to Old Mill and do what you’re sposed to do. Or… go to Long Lake and join up with your neighbours. Or… go north and get slaughtered by savages.
Cooper is frustrated. We need to figure this out. We have money. We can pay rent.
I don’t want the stink of your cowardice on Two Bears –
Prospector has another outburst. Pulls a knife. Threatens the player across the table from him. A rope drops around his neck, lifts him off the ground until he is standing on his chair on his tiptoes.
El declares the game over. Sends everybody home. The players leave the prospector dangling. They understand the consequences.
Cooper breaks down. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want to be disloyal, but he also doesn’t want to destroy his community.
You’re a cooper.
Yes, sir.
You have a permit?
I do.
Your permit was signed by the governor. That signature came with an expectation of loyalty to the company. When you accepted it, you entered into a partnership with the Company. Just like me with this place. Just like the governor when he took the job in the haff-land. You understand that?
Yes, sir.
Partners get privileges. Our privileges depend on the company’s system. No system. No privileges.
Yes, sir.
As far as the Company is concerned, there are only two sides here, Cooper. The company’s side and the wrong side.
I didn’t make those rules, Mr. Sewager. I’m not going to enforce them. I’m not playing that game.
Game? One side lives. The other side dies. You think this is a game?
Cooper swallows hard.
You ain’t got but two options. Fight for the company or fight against it. Nobody’s giving you permission to create a third side.
Cooper is silent.
Sewager goes over to the prospector.
“God damn it, Eustace, I warned you not to bring an knife into my place again.”
Prospector apologizes.
Sewager says some cold shit. Kicks the chair out from under him. Returns to the conversation with Cooper.
You know about Southport?
I’ve heard.
Well maybe you didn’t hear it right. Governor’s own blood was put in charge of Southport. Made his little brother overseer.
Not a month later, they found out people in Southport were helping haff-ra families escape across the bay to The Wood.
Wasn’t the whole town. Just a few bad apples. Governor rounded the whole town up. Men, women, and children. Herded them into the church. Barred the doors. Torched it.
The guilty burned. So did everyone else. Including his little brother.
I need time to figure this out.
El, Dun interrupts, we oughta break his neck. It’s gonna take a while for him to die like this.
El says: A dying man needs time to think. This lesson might be important where he’s going.