Draft 30- Updated 30 AUGUST 2026 (C001/D030)
From his position in front of the butcher’s shop, the bounty hunter had a clear view of the town square and the road leading into it. The wagon train was coming into sight. At the T-intersection, half of the wagons would turn and come up the hill into town. The other half would roll past the intersection and continue on toward their camp by the river.
The fugitive he was after was posing as a deputy guarding the wagon train, hiding in plain sight, right under the noses of the people who were offering the reward to find him.
Hunter’s team had been tracking the young fool for three weeks. They’d had several opportunities to grab him. But each time, just as they were about to make their move, Hunter called it off.
Why would a wanted man hire on as a deputy and travel toward the Shadows instead of running in the opposite direction?
Hunter wanted an answer to that question before grabbing him. It might could be that the kid was onto something. It might could be that he a plan Hunter ought not to mess with.
Spying on them, watching their every move, listening to their private conversations had led nowhere. And now time was running out. By sunset tomorrow, their fugitive would be out of reach, hidden behind the walls of the Shadows.
At the corner, the lead wagon turned up the hill toward the square where Hunter and his team were waiting for them. Three wagons followed it, along with four mounted deputies, and their boss—the overseer. The rest of the wagons, and the adult slaves who trailed the coffle train on foot, continued on past town to set up camp.
In a few moments, the wagons coming into town would top the short rise. They would enter the town square where a delegation was waiting to greet them on the stone steps in front of the church. The deputies would fan out, as they always did, to protect the overseer while his back was turned.
When they fanned out, the deputies would see an elf scout trading her meat with the butcher at the table next to his smokehouse. They would see an elf hunter sorting through his saddlebags in front of the butcher’s shop. And, eventually, they would see an elf healer ride through the square on a mountain pony. But since none of these sights were unusual in Three Mills, nothing should trigger their suspicions.
If things took an unexpected turn, Hunter’s daughter—the scout trading meat with the butcher—would handle the deputy nearest the smokehouse. Their partner, the healer on the mountain pony about to ride into the square, would take the overseer. And Hunter, sorting through his saddlebags in front of the butcher’s shop, would handle the rest.
He was a good shot, confident in his abilities. But he would have to be careful. The slaves in the wagons were children. They were fixed together into coffles, held fast by short steel chains which were attached to thick leather collars around their throats.
They couldn’t run. So he didn’t have to worry about them stepping into the crossfire during the chaos. But the wagons were open, arrows had been known to ricochet, and none of the enslaved children wore armour.
Deputy Number One, a grizzled grey-beard with an eye-patch covering a thick white scar, cantered his horse toward the butchery’s roughstone smokehouse right on cue. Hunter watched him circle his daughter, the butcher, and the elk carcass laid out on the heavy wooden table between them.
The deputy was on the lookout for red flags. Weapons or armor, in particular, would trigger his instant alarm. Unable to see what was hidden from his view, though, he backed off and took up a position nearby—hand on his own weapon, his good eye fixed warily on the butcher.
Deputy Number Two, lean and cocky with a leering, hateful smirk, walked his gelding slowly past the hitching post in front of the butchery where Hunter was organizing the contents of his saddlebags. This deputy—spitting into the dust near Hunter as he passed—would not be concerned with the elf’s wooden bow. Nor, if he could see them, would his stone blades raise any concerns. Elf hunters troubled no one. They were traders, support staff who minded their business. They were no longer considered threats to the slave trade.
Deputy Number Three, a hulking, barrel-chested brute, assessed the group of townsfolk gathering on the steps of the church. Apparently satisfied, he too fell into position, ready to smash the first sign of trouble.
With the deputies in place and no alarms raised in the process, Hunter was now free to concentrate on the transaction getting underway on the stone steps below the church doors.
The town’s smith, a slave-owner himself, greeted the overseer warmly. The lanky town fletcher, a friend of the butchers, stood inconspicuously behind him. A wiry collier and a head-scarfed millwright wobbled slightly as they left the tavern to cross the square and join them.
The squeak of leather from the collier’s right shoe. The jingle of coins in the millwright’s pocket. Three barking dogs. A coughing child. Whispered words at the butcher’s table.
Hunter’s keen perception pierced the ambient noise of the square and locked onto each sound individually. Where most of his kind were overwhelmed by the onslaught of sounds in human environments, Hunter had learned to operate comfortably.
Heavy footfalls on the plank floors in the shop behind him announced that the butcher’s wife was on her way to join the delegation across the square. As the door to the butcher shop stuck, then rattled opened, the scent of blood swirled in the eddies.
Exchanging a somber glance with her husband, she smoothed her dress, checked her hairpin, and inhaled deeply. Raising her double chin, she stepped off the boardwalk and marched toward the church.
Hunter watched her pass, knowing how difficult this must be for her.
Summary:
POV-the bounty hunter, known as Hunter
Objective-Hunter wants to understand what his bounty is up to, but he has run out of time. They have to capture him.
Obstacles-The bounty is part of a large wagon train, guarded by several armed men.
Outcome-There is no outcome in this scene, it is a cliffhanger. The stage has been set for whatever Hunter has planned.
Is this scene moving the plot forward? Yes, we have a clear idea of an immediate plot.
Is this scene building the world? We have a town name, we know about slavery, that there are humans and elves.
Is this scene demonstrating internal character? We get a glimpse of Hunter’s character; he is a bounty hunter, yet his quarry is up to something unsual. Instead of just doing his job, he hesitates to understand.
Is this scene demonstrating external character change? No
Notes:
The wagon train was coming into sight. From where? Around a corner? The bend in the road?
At the T-intersection, half of the wagons would turn and come up the hill into town. I had to stop and mentally think this through to visualize it. The ‘T’ is below town, with ‘stem’ of the T leading uphill to town and the top part of the T continuing on. A few extra words here might have kept me from having to slow down and think about it.
Hunter’s team side note: I know that Hunter=bounty hunter, but a new reader might not make that immediate connection. On the other hand, the way you have it makes his profession clear, adding an underline to the objective.
It might could be that the kid was onto something. It might could be that he a plan Hunter ought not to mess with. I get that this is to explain why he hadn’t already grabbed him. But his profession, bounty hunter, at least for some, would argue against caring.
At the cornersuggest striking, already told us what would happen at the intersection; or potentially sticking to T or intersection for clarity., the lead wagon turned up the hill …In a few moments, the wagons coming into town would top the short rise. They would enter the town square … Maybe keep this in Hunter’s PoV, or what I mean is, use this as an opportunity to remind them of Hunter, and use this sequence to highlight his competence. An example of what I mean (not written in your voice): Hunter knew the drill; the wagon train would top the rise to meet the waiting delegation. They’d pull to a stop, circling their wagon’s up in a defensive position and the deputies would hop down and fan out, looking for anything out of place. He had their routine down pat.
If things took an unexpected turn, Hunter’s daughter-the scout trading meat with the butcher-would handle the deputy nearest the smokehouse. Their partner, the healer on the mountain pony about to ride into the square, would take the overseer. And Hunter, sorting through his saddlebags in front of the butcher’s shop, would handle the rest. You had mentioned earlier that their quarry rode in the midst of those who searched for him. Why would he need to kill those that were offering the reward? Why not put their hands up and say, “We caught your bounty! Here!”
They couldn’t run. So he didn’t have to worry about them stepping into the crossfire during the chaos.
Butnothing to contradict here the wagons were open, arrows had been known to ricochet, and none of the enslaved children wore armour.The deputy was on the lookout for red flags. Weapons or armorShe’s a hunter, right? Bow, skinning knife… And the butcher would have knives as well.
Deputy Number Two, lean and cocky with a leering, hateful smirk, walked his gelding slowly past the hitching post in front of the butchery where Hunter was organizing the contents of his saddlebags. This deputy-spitting into the dust near Hunter as he passed-would not be concerned with the elf’s wooden bow. Nor, if he could see them, would his stone blades raise any concerns. Elf hunters troubled no one. so the female elf with weapons would also not be a concern
As I’m mostly interested in fantasy, and this seems like a fantasy setting from the blurb, I have decided to provide feedback on this chapter. I’m not sure if this comment section here is the right place, since it already has a review, and I have a suspicion I might need to create a new page, but since I don’t know how I’ll just leave my review here.
General R&R
I’ll leave my thoughts after each paragraph.
A bounty hunter in a fantasy setting is already intriguing, reminding me somewhat of the Witcher. This tells me the protagonist is likely someone who knows his way around a sword, and I quite like those.
Is his name Hunter? Or are they referring to him as a hunter? Seems like a very convenient name.
Hunter seems like a careful man, preferring to think things through instead of rushing in to catch the fugitive. Also seems like he wants to understand what he’s getting himself into before he acts.
Intriguing to find out what this “Shadows” place is.
Use of “It might could be” is taking me out of the story to wonder about the grammar a bit here, and that twice in a row, with the second one especially “It might could be that he a plan”. Not correcting the grammar, just saying it’s taking the reader a bit out of the story, and that at the very start of the chapter.
Some setting up of the scene, not much to say about this part.
The presence of elves is always nice, it tells me this story will be close to epic fantasy, or at least usually more traditional fantasy which I enjoy.
I’m assuming these elves are part of Hunter’s team.
The next paragraph shows me it’s playing out pretty much like Hunter predicted, with the deputies acting as expected. Shows he did his homework well.
Elves are “no longer” considered threats to the slave trade? Interesting.
Slavery seems to be pretty accepted in this town/part of the world.
Good ears. Part of being an elf?
Ahh, explained somewhat in the next paragraph, they do have good ears.
I do wonder why so many people are joining the delegation. I’m assuming they are there to look over the slaves and see if they want to buy any?
Having finished the chapter, it was somewhat short. It sets up the scene, but that’s all that happens. I’m more used to a one scene per chapter, unless its a very long scene. The setting is nice, but finishing it feels unrewarding. You would have to continue reading to get any kind of reward from the set up, and maybe it’s set up to be this way.
From what I understand this is a web series, and that also plays a factor obviously. I’m assuming it’s released on a weekly schedule, or something of that sorts, and therefor harder to write big chapters. But the fact still remains that you don’t get much from this chapter.
Having finished the chapter, all I can deduce from it is that the fugitive Hunter is after is most likely acting as a deputy to rescue a slave from the wagon. Maybe a relative or friend. I expect Hunter’s team to somehow end up tangled up with whatever business they have.
That’s all I can say for this chapter, overall a good setup, but not much payoff (yet). And short (deliberately?).