Draft 2 – Updated 29 June 2025 (C002/D002)
The day was done. The sun was down, the Devil’s Beard was dark, and its nocturnal residents were becoming active. The knockers, the wagoneers and the camp workers were all asleep in their tents. The children were huddled on the ground covered by filthy blankets; the chain that held them was secured to the trunk of an everwood.
The coffle master was sitting on his bedroll at the fire with three of his deputies. A fourth was posted on guard duty, along with two of the adult slaves. Hunter’s bounty was one of the bodies at the fire. His turn at watch, Hunter knew, was to begin soon.
Thanks to the little charade in front of the church earlier that day, the stage was set for the final phase of Hunter’s plan. Their bounty was now under Autumn’s spell. With a little luck, he would doze off during his watch and that would be the end of it.
In the unlikely event that he managed to stay awake for his entire watch, the bounty hunters would move to a riskier Plan B and abduct him the hard way. Regardless, though, this night was their last opportunity, because tomorrow night their bounty would be sleeping in The Shadows.
Hunter’s position high in the everwood tree above the coffle gave him a commanding view of the battlefield below. He could see the camp, see their horses, see his bounty, and see the slaves. He could hear the banter around the fire, the snoring from the tents, and the anxiety of the horses. He could also coordinate with his compatriots using sounds the humans either could not hear or were unable to distinguish from the background noise of the forest at night.
Decades of experience as a bounty hunter told Hunter that their mission was likely moving forward to a successful conclusion. If there was a bump in the road that could divert their plan from its path it might be the cough of the little girl that appeared now to be spreading to others.
Under normal circumstances, he would be able to count on the cruelty of the slavers to ignore the child’s cough and stick to their normal patterns. However, these were not normal circumstances. One of these slavers was a different color.
Hunter suspected he was not a slaver at all. Yes, he was a fugitive and yes, he was the fugitive Hunter and his crew intended to capture, but he was a fugitive who was clearly up to something else. And Hunter’s failure to solve that mystery — so far – was the only reason the fugitive was still a free man.
“Sounds like that cough done took,” said one of the deputies.
Captain Lewis silently clenched his jaw. Another cough emerged from the darkness. This one was not a child’s cough.
“Damn!” Walking to the edge of the firelight, he raised his voice. “You sick, too, Moonshine?”
“Naw,” replied a voice from the darkness. “I’m good.”
Shoulda done the three silver treatment, the coffle master chastised himself. “What about y’all?” he demanded of the group at the fire. One by one, they all told him that they were fine.
“I’m like the guy who jumped off the Tower of Elal,” LT said with a sly smirk.
“What about him?” asked the captain.
“As he was falling, people on each floor kept hearing him say, ‘So far, so good!’”
“And?”
“So far so good,” LT replied, eyes sparkling playfully.
“That’s a dumb goddam joke,” the captain replied with a glare. “Go relieve Porkchop.”
LT stood, adjusted his gear and headed out into the darkness. His path took him directly under Hunter. As LT passed the coffle, he checked the chain to make certain it was secure. Two of the children were coughing. The youngest girl’s cough was especially bad and it seemed to be getting worse.
Hunter took it all in from his perch. He heard the joke, watched LT adjust his gear, watched him check the slave chain, and noted an intense pulse of red as he passed the girl with the cough. “Ain’t right,” he heard LT mutter under his breath.
At precisely that moment Hunter also heard a cricket trill at a slightly lower frequency than all of the other sounds in the background. It was Scout letting him know she was awake and ready in her assigned spot. Hearing that, he waited for a response from Autumn verifying that he was in place as well. 100 heartbeats later… nothing.
Below him on the ground, LT relieved his comrade and carefully surveyed the darkness waiting for his eyes to adjust. When his eyes and ears convinced him that everything was as it should be, he moved stealthily to the slaves.
Keeping one eye on the deputies gathered around the fire, LT opened his canteen, sat the little girl up and gave her a long drink. When she finished, he wiped the canteen with his sleeve and gave the other coughing child a long drink as well. Then he wiped the canteen one more time and put it back in his coat. The coughing subsided.
All of this Hunter watched with interest. Wha’choo up to, boy? he asked himself silently. Wha’choo up to?
Why would a wanted man take a Company contract? More importantly, why would he take a contract that took him toward The Shadows and not away from them? It was an extraordinary risk.
This wrinkle – this unexpected behavior from a fugitive – was the reason Hunter was waiting until the last possible moment to pull the trigger on an abduction that should have happened days ago. Hunter knew LT was up to something, but he did not yet know what.
That was the moment at which everything changed.
Nothing about that moment seemed unexpected. Hunter was in a tree, which to be honest was where one would normally find him. The slaves were in their chains. The coffle master and his deputies were reclining on their bedrolls. Everything and everyone was exactly where one would expect to find them — except the gnolls.
Here is my feedback on your second chapter. I’m following the same formula as last time, but if you would like me to include anything else, please let me know!
1. Characters:
This chapter defined Hunter as the protagonist, which I appreciated since the first chapter threw me off a bit. I like that this second chapter gives me a taste of some of the relationship dynamics. Like with LT saying, “So far so good.” I’m seeing more of his personality, and I like the way you’re revealing his mischievous traits.
One thing I was expecting was to see more revealed about these characters’ quirks. I know we’ve got some elves, so I’d love to see what makes them distinct from other races in this world. Do they eat different foods? Do they patrol differently from humans? What sort of weapons do they carry?
For example: “Their bounty was now under Autumn’s spell.” What does this mean? I want to learn more about the power Autumn possesses.
2. Pacing & Flow:
I think the pacing of this is good, but I also found the scene to be lacking in detail. Since the chapter is titled “River Camp,” I thought I’d be hearing more about the scenery, the river, maybe its significance. I don’t mind that the pacing of this chapter is slower, especially since it’s night and several characters are sleeping, but as a reader, I want to feel that. Is there something eerie about this setting? Or does the river bring comfort? How does it sound?
“He could hear the banter around the fire, the snoring from the tents, and the anxiety of the horses.” I like that you create this tangible image, but I also see this as an opportunity to flesh this out so readers can feel what it’s like to be sitting around the fire. To listen to the sounds in the woods (why are the horses anxious?).
3. Dialogue:
I love the dialogue. You’ve given each character a unique way of speaking, and I like how you’ve incorporated slang into the lingo: ya’ll, naw, ain’t. Makes characters believable when the dialect fits their professions.
Only thing I want is more dialogue! It’s a short chapter so I think there’s room to include a little more banter.
4. Clarity:
Based on what I’ve read so far from you, you don’t seem to struggle with clarity. I like your expository writing style, but I would love to see a little more description in this scene. The sights, the sounds, the smells…you do a little bit of this, like with the cricket:
“At precisely that moment Hunter also heard a cricket trill at a slightly lower frequency than all of the other sounds in the background. ”
You’re very concise with your writing. I’d love to see you play around a bit and be adventurous, include some stream of consciousness sentences or scatter some other literary devices into your prose.
Hope this helps! I’m enjoying your story 🙂
Hey Madeleine
You are an excellent critique partner for me because we are approaching the material for the same angle.
This is a treat for me, so please believe when I say that I appreciate it.
What I am hearing is that you want to know more — more about the characters, more about the world, more about the environment.
That is awesome. Here’s why…
The scenery (sights, sounds, smells, feels, etc.) is the last character I create for every scene. Until I get to that layer — somewhere down the road near final draft — I only include the essentials. Once I am 100% certain that this scene is final, I will add the scenery character and use it both to set the tone and say the unsaid things (subtext).
You are 100% correct that it is missing in this draft (2). That is why.
Now about characters…
The fact that the reader wants to know more about them at this point is not a bug. It’s by design. We’re only in chapter two with 150 chapters to go.
In good storytelling, character emerges as characters interact with each other. So as the story progresses over the coming 150 chapters, the readers will learn more about characters each time characters interact.
I hope that you will never catch me using exposition to create character. That is a cardinal sin.
World building…
Same thing. The world emerges out of the characters’ interactions with the world.
In this chapter we have elves, the river camp, the Devil’s beard, the night, the campfire, the road, and other things that will appear again and again and again throughout the story.
Each interaction with these things in this world will reveal more ABOUT those things AND this world.
Curiosity drives narrative.
The fact that the reader wants to know more about these things in chapter two is essential to get them to engage with chapter three.
So again, this is wonderful feedback because it tells me that this early draft (2 of potentially 50) is on the right track.
Knowing that is enormously helpful to me. So THANK YOU.
Now what can I do for you?
Brent
Love your thoughts. It sounds like we are both on a similar train of thought, and it makes sense how you are approaching the world-building and revealing information about each character. Selfishly, I want more because I’m the reader xD
But what you’re doing is working because you’ve left me hanging in this chapter. What the heck are gnolls? And like I mentioned in my comments, there are so many other questions I have. Bravo on this draft!
If you have time this week, I’d love it if you reviewed the changes I made to the first chapter of my WIP.
I would love to see your new draft. Looking forward to it.
I don’t have a lot to comment on this chapter, as I really enjoyed it. Some things I noticed that are being set up:
1- where is Autumn? Did something happen to him? His absence and the absence of his response make me want to read on.
2- On their own LT’s actions might not seem out of the ordinary, but Hunter’s reaction gives us pause. We mirror his wha’choo up to?
3- how did things change? I’m curious.
Setting:
I again have the feeling that the setting is meant to convey a more western type tone. “Moonshine” “porkchop” “y’all” solidified that in my mind.
A couple thoughts for clarity:
1-I did not get the joke, feel like I have to over think to understand it. That could just be me though.
2- The ending when is says “that’s when everything changed,” I’m unclear if that’s referring to when LT gave water to the children, as in Hunter changed his mind and goals or something…or if it’s referring to something to be revealed on the next chapter. The latter is my assumption, but on first read I thought it was the opposite.
Overall I am still enjoying it and drawn to continue reading.
Hey Jordan.
This chapter is a fragment. It used to start with eight pages of world building — which has been deleted.
So it will probably be merged with the next chapter. However, for now it will remain as a fragment.
Thanks so much for the feedback.
Any time you want to do a swap, I’m open to it.