Draft 11 – Updated 18 July 2025 (C001/D011)
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1 – The Last Coffle
Slavery had been a part of life in the valley for so long it had become a habit. Talk to people about it and you would find that most agreed it was wrong. But there didn’t seem to be any other way. As unjust as the slave tithe might be, bringing back the war seemed worse.
Hunter loathed it. Always had. But his days of freeing slaves and helping them to escape to the free lands were behind him. That was Past Hunter. Present Hunter hunted bounties. And — at this present moment — his team were all in place, ready to grab another, and cash him in for gold.
From his current position, Hunter had a clear view of the square. If things went sideways (and things often went sideways), his daughter would take the deputy to his right. Autumn would take the boss. The rest were his to manage. If things went well (fingers crossed) no one would die and their mission would conclude before dawn. All they needed now was the coffle.
The slaves wore leather collars linked together by chains. Since they were children, Hunter felt this was unnecessary. But he understood that two centuries of tradition created habits that were hard to break.
Hunter’s team had been trailing this particular coffle for weeks because one of the deputies was a wanted man. Their objective was to snatch him from the slave train before it reached its destination. They had one day left to do that.
Three weeks of patient observation had attuned Hunter to the coffle’s daily routine. This was their last stop. As it reached the intersection at the bottom of the hill, the train split into two parts. The lead segment turned and headed up the hill into town. The support wagons continued past Old Mill toward the river camp, where they would set up to spend the night. In doing this, their forces were cut in half, making them vulnerable.
The segment entering the town square consisted of the coffle master, four deputies, three slave wagons, and a single wagon of support. As they neared the church, three deputies spread out. The fourth deputy, Hunter’s target, the one with the black pinched-front hat, stayed with the coffle master.
Deputy Number One cantered his horse over to the smokehouse where he circled Hunter’s daughter who was trading with the butcher. He was looking for warning signs. The sight of weapons or armor would immediately sound an alarm. Unable to see what was hidden from his view, he backed off and took up a position nearby — exactly as Hunter hoped.
Deputy Number Two walked his horse slowly past the hitching post where Hunter was organizing the contents of his saddle bags. This deputy would not be concerned with Hunter’s wooden bow and arrows. Nor, if he could see them, would the elf’s stone blades raise any concerns. Steel was the only thing that would provoke this deputy and that was safely concealed.
Deputy Number Three assessed the group of dignitaries gathering on the steps of the church. Seeing nothing of concern, he too fell into position allowing Hunter to concentrate on the transaction now getting underway.
The smith, a slave-owner himself, was already at the church, eager to greet his old buddy, the coffle master. The lanky and athletic town fletcher — allied with the butcher and, therefore, Hunter — stood inconspicuously behind him. The wiry collier and the head-scarfed millwright, who had been drinking in the tavern since mid-morning, wobbled slightly as they crossed the square to join the delegation.
The squeak of leather from the collier’s right shoe. The jingle of coins in the millwright’s pocket. The barking dogs. The coughing child. The rumbling wheels. The whispered words between Scout and the butcher. Hunter’s ears took it all in. Where most elves were overwhelmed by noisy human environments, Hunter now operated comfortably.
The sound of Amanda’s heavy footfalls behind him announced that she, too, was on her way. As the door to the butcher shop opened behind him, the scent of blood swirled in the eddies. Exchanging a solemn glance with Hunter, she smoothed her dress, checked her hairpin, and inhaled deeply. Raising her double chin, she stepped off the boardwalk and trudged reluctantly across the square. He sensed her sadness. He shared her shame.
*****
The coffle master, knowing exactly what he was looking for, got straight to work. His boss had very specific tastes and had equipped him with sketches. Satisfying the governor’s desires was his highest priority.
The church door opened as the butcher’s wife reached the steps. The minister and his wife led the set-asides out and organized them from tallest to smallest. The coffle master scrutinized the line.
Young, pretty with high cheekbones, a diamond-shaped face, and a small, upturned nose. The ceasefire that paused the Slavers’ War made it illegal to enslave non-human races, including fiendlings. But there was nothing in the ceasefire about human slaves who looked like fiendlings, so the governor had learned to make due.
Beyond that, the coffle master had an eye out for merchandise that would move quickly in the slave markets of Siouk. Ten-year-old boys. Nine-year-old girls. Healthy. Dark of hair with good teeth and clear skin. If the buyer was a fiendling, he would need an unusually large male or a portly young lady.
“This one,” said the coffle master as he checked a girl’s teeth. “How old?”
“Nine-years, Captain Lewis,” replied the clergyman. “She is trained in kitchen service primarily. But can—”
“She’s thin as a bullwhip” the coffle master interrupted. “Don’t we pay you to feed ‘em?”
“Yes, Captain Lewis,” replied the clergyman. “Governor Ducol is a most generous benefactor and the town provides more than enough food. But not all cows produce equal milk. At this age, some slaves grow tall before they grow thick.”
“Hmmmm,” said the slaver looking up and down the line.
*****
Autumn, an eladrin elf, stepped into the stirrup and swung his leg over the saddle. If things went sideways, he would be in the middle of it. The coffle master himself wasn’t particularly dangerous, but he would be guarded. He trusted that Hunter was a good shot. But for at least a few moments, it would be two on one.
The eladrin was much younger than Hunter. He had less experience with the overwhelming noise of human settlements and was not at all a fan. How a species so practically deaf could accomplish so much absolutely baffled him. Individually, he had some sympathy for humans. Collectively, he found them offensive.
Always, with these people, there was something. Today… it was coughing. If they couldn’t hear it, they were impaired. If they were ignoring it, they were heartless. Children were uncommon amongst elves. That made them precious. Humans, by contrast, seemed to take their children for granted. From his perspective, they were always ill and nobody seemed to care.
Autumn knew his assignment. He understood every detail of their plan. He knew that straying from the plan could be fatal, but he also knew that, as the man in the middle, he had the power to make adjustments.
As he approached the group assembled on the steps of the church, the coffle master’s back was turned toward him. Their black-hatted bounty stood behind his master facing Autumn. His team was expecting him to stop and address their bounty, but Autumn changed the plan.
*****
Black-hatted LT was Guard Number Four. His assignment was to guard the coffle master’s back. As much as he wanted to cut the man’s throat for what he was doing to these children, LT knew this was not the right time.
In two days he would be inside. A week or two in The Shadows was all he needed. If he found what he expected to find, it would put an end to all of this. And he could settle scores with the coffle master later.
The risk here was low. It had been decades since anybody had actually attacked a coffle. But from time to time there was trouble. Somebody, a drunk father or a grieving mother, would come to the coffle line and try to make a statement. While the coffle master was engaged, Guard Number Four watched his back.
LT saw the elf riding toward them from the livery. There were two more across the street. The woman seemed familiar. He felt like he had seen her in another town a while back. The guy reorganizing his saddlebags… who could tell? Elf hunters wore identical uniforms. They also wore their hair the same. Distinguishing one from another was nearly impossible.
The elf riding toward him, however, was not a hunter. He was a petite man with red-orange hair tied up in a Celtic braid. His clothing was oddly feminine but he wore a ginger beard — neatly trimmed — beneath a thick handlebar moustache. He carried no obvious weapons and offered no hint of threat. As far as LT could see, he was just an elegant elf (probably an eladrin) in a brown leather jacket under a burnt umber cape.
LT’s eyes followed him as he rode in their direction on a line that would see him pass a safe distance away. For a moment, the eladrin made eye contact. It seemed as if he was about to say something, but a cough from one of the girls in the slave wagon distracted him. The small man frowned slightly and his head tipped to one side. His eyes moved from LT to the girl. Altering his course slightly, he approached the coffle wagon and stopped beside it.
This was a breach of protocol and everyone who saw it knew. Everything stopped — the clergyman, the councilors, the adult attendants. Everybody froze. Everybody held their breath. LT’s hand moved to his pommel. All eyes were on the ginger.
*****
The coffle master, sensing a mood change, turned slowly to behold a small man with a large moustache sitting on an elven pony next to his lead wagon.
“Oh, honey,” the elf cooed into the wagon. “Are you feeling poorly?”
A collared little girl nodded her head as her eyes welled with tears.
The eladrin turned slightly in his saddle before the hushed assembly to locate the coffle master. His black-hatted guard stepped forward to intervene, but the coffle master waved him off.
“Excuse me, sir,” said the ginger. “I’m afraid this poor child is poorly.”
The coffle master paused. There were so many ways to respond, but none of them seemed exactly right for this unusual moment.
“You’re an eladrin?” the coffle master asked with genuine curiosity.
“I am.”
“And you’re a healer?”
“My name is Autumn—” the elf said, smiling and extending a hand.
“I didn’t ask your name,” the master interrupted. “I asked if you’re a healer.”
“I am a healer, sir,” Autumn replied, withdrawing his hand and turning off his smile.
The coffle master paused, studying the ginger elf, wondering if this was a ploy. He searched autumn’s eyes for any hint of a lie, but found none.
“This kind of cough spreads like fire,” Autumn volunteered. “If this child isn’t treated today, I promise you the rest will have it tomorrow.”
The coffle master knew the healer was right. He also understood the grave consequences of delivering slaves to The Shadows only to have them die a few days later.
“How much?” he asked.
“That depends,” said Autumn. “I can cure her proper. That’ll cost three silver and take half a day. Or… for one silver… I can give her some cough medicine. If it ain’t took hold yet, it’ll stop it for a day two. But if it’s already took hold… it won’t do much.”
The coffle master relaxed when he heard Autumn’s price. Medicine men in the haff-land performed an essential service, but none of them did it for free. Autumn, his instincts told him, was exactly what he seemed to be.
“I’ll give you ten for the bunch. You got enough medicine for all of ‘em?” he asked.
Autumn frowned as he counted and then nodded when he was done. “I believe I do, sir,” Autumn replied cheerfully, climbing down from his horse and reaching into his saddle bags.
The fourth guard’s sword flashed from his scabbard the moment the healer’s hand disappeared into the saddlebag. Oblivious to this development, the medicine man withdrew a canteen, a small bowl, and a burlap bundle. He set them both on the ground and then sat cross legged in front of them.
The guard hesitated, sword drawn, rooted in indecision. The coffle master, however, suppressed a smile. He secretly hated this part of his job — traveling from town to town, playing a role, collecting tribute, placing children in bondage. It was dreary work at best.
But this was new. It was interesting. Until today, he had never met an autumn eladrin. And this one, his first, was at once fearless, oblivious, charming, and entertaining.
Autumn counted out twelve holly leaves and placed them into his bowl. He then recited a short incantation to create a tiny flame, which he carefully placed amongst the leaves. In a few moments, they smoked and quickly turned to ash.
Reaching into a pocket inside his shirt, he withdrew a small pouch from which he poured a handful of dried blueberries into the ashes. From another pocket he produced a small wooden pestle which he used to crush the berries while reciting another incantation in a comical singsong language that nobody understood but everyone found funny.
“Keep an eye on the healer,” the master said to LT. Then he turned his back on the medicine show and finished his business with the clergyman and the council.
*****
Noticing for the first time that everyone was watching him, Autumn spoke to no one in particular: “Children don’t like the taste of ash” he said, wrinkling his nose. “It’s yucky. The blueberries make it taste better… and the color is pretty,” he added, looking up at the children in the wagon.
By the time the contents of the bowl were blended into a smooth paste, everyone had relaxed. LT’s sword had been returned to its scabbard and the entire group was curious about what Autumn was doing. All were quiet except the little girl with the green eyes; her raspy cough punctured the silence.
“Oh, honey, I’m sorry you’re feeling poorly. I’m going as fast as I can,” Autumn said as he began thinning the paste by pouring water from the canteen into the bowl and whisking in with a pair of stiff wooden sticks. A few heartbeats later, he was done. The sticks went back into a pocket in his jacket and out came a small wooden spoon.
“A little help, sir,” he said, extending a hand to LT.
*****
LT hesitated, cautious and uncertain, but then extended his hand and pulled Autumn to his feet. As he rose, the small ginger smiled and said something LT did not understand.
“What?” he asked, trying to unclasp his hand. The attempt was unsuccessful as Autumn held firm to his grip, smiling and speaking an unfamiliar tongue.
LT yanked his hand to free it once, then twice. On the second pull, the healer let go causing him to stumble and nearly fall backward. The whole group, slaves, slavers, and onlooking townsfolk burst into laughter.
“Ooops,” the healer exclaimed, placing his thin fingers on his upper chest. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. Please don’t laugh,” he begged the children.
LT recovered his balance and looked around feeling a rush of blood to his face and ears.
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. It’s an eladrin thing,” Autumn explained. “When someone extends a hand to help us up, we offer them a blessing. It’s weird, I know. And it takes a bit longer than humans expect. So it catches people off guard. Please forgive me.”
“Sure,” said LT looking at his wet, berry-stained fingers briefly before wiping them off on his breeches. “No problem.”
When the giggling subsided, the eladrin administered the medicine. One by one, each of the children was given a single spoonful of the purple liquid. Last to be treated was the little girl who gulped down the remaining contents of the bowl.
The healer carefully rinsed the bowl out with his canteen before returning it and the burlap wrap to his saddle bag.
“That will be ten silver please, sir,” he said, turning back to the man with the whip.
*****
Moments later, four more set-asides, recently selected from the church in Old Mill, were absorbed into the coffle. And by the time the coffle train slithered out of town toward the river camp, the Autumn eladrin, the hunter, and his daughter were nowhere to be seen.
First paragraph thoughts:
I like this opening, it gives you in immediate look at the themes of the story and let’s the reader know there probably in for a commentary on how injustice can become overlooked in society.
Hunter:
I get the immediate sense that this might be our protagonist. He doesn’t like the slavery…good. But he’s become jaded and discouraged by society. In light of this he’s maybe grown selfish and accepting of the injustice. He’s complex, there’s room for growth. I assume we’ll see him regain some of his old passion? A hero in the making?
Coffee master:
Perfectly sleazy and detestable.
Autumn:
Not sure where his character is headed, but I like him. I especially like detail about hearing.
LT:
I am intrigued but the possibilities of this character. What his plans are. It seems he’s scheming something himself? Are the other three interfering in a bigger operation? Is he doing some sort of undercover work?
Plot:
At this point I’m assuming we will have an addressing of slaver and injustice type plot? We start out with a “heist” and end up trying to free the oppressed? If I were to guess.
Tone/worldbuilding.
I think this is a big strength in this chapter, unless I’m reading a vibe that wasn’t intended. I this point I’m getting almost a western/fantasy vibe. Maybe not in terms of setting, but if it were to be filmed I would expect the sort of music/tonal vibe of a western as opposed to a classic Midevil fantasy setting. I think terms like “deputy” and “smokehouse” as opposed to maybe “guards” and… I don’t know, “inn” or “pub?” Sort of gave off that tone. And I’m here for it.
Critiques:
I think my biggest critique at this point would be POV. A couple of the **** segments I assumed the pov had switched, but it hadn’t…unless it switched to omniscient? That got a little confusing. For example at the end, we are in LT’s POV, but it mentions the Autumn, the hunter and his daughter. I didn’t realize he knew about the hunter and his daughter, so it feels a little bit like omniscient POV.
Overall I really enjoyed it, I think there’s lots of potential and intrigue. I am curious. As a primarily fantasy reader, if I were to pick this up at a bookstore I would be tempted to walk out with it.
Hey Jordan.
Good catch on the final paragraph. There is a missing dinkus indicating a POV change. I have added it to the G-drive copy and it will be there for D11.
POV is the big remaining issue to be worked out in this chapter. Since this is a multi-POV story with an ensemble cast, I want to start with a multi-POV chapter so I can start to train the readers. But as you have noted, there is still work to be done here.
Your feedback is appreciated. I like your stream of consciousness approach. It shows me what is going through a reader’s mind — which, as you know is invaluable.
I have your chapter in my calendar for tomorrow. I will respond when I am done.
Hi there! Thank you for letting me read your work. Opening yourself up to criticism is such a vulnerable thing to do and I commend you for putting yourself out there! I’m used to giving feedback in a document like Word or GoogleDocs, so please excuse the maybe clunky line references toward the bottom.
Let me know if you have any questions. Lovely work!! Thank you again.
General Feedback
Positives
• I adore the setting and world building you’ve accomplished in this chapter. The wild west meets fantasy is such a fun backdrop to a compelling concept of bounty hunters.
• Autumn feels like a well-fleshed out character and I love the details you added to him like his appearance and even his speech pattern. An elf with a southern accent is so amusing to me.
• Your writing really shines in your dialogue. It flows well and I can easily understand who is speaking.
Needs Work
• Your narrative tone in the beginning with the quippy asides, doesn’t carry through the chapter. Consider making this consistent throughout, no matter which way you decide to go. Personally, I find the 3rd person side comments a bit distracting.
• The constant shifts of POVs in this chapter isn’t doing it for me. It’s a style choice though and I respect that!
• At the start of your story, my first impression was Hunter is the MC of the story. By the end, it feels like Autumn and maybe LT are. If you do choose to change the story up, maybe consider focusing the story on Autumn’s perspective. At least in this chapter, we don’t need it from anyone other than Autumn or LT.
• By the end of the chapter, I’m not really sure this is where the start of your story is meant to be. Sure, we learn a bit about the characters but by the end there’s no real catalyst to set the story into motion. As a reader, I don’t feel compelled to read more because there’s no promise of what’s to come, if that makes sense.
In-line Feedback
• Comparing slavery to a habit was a bit jarring as an opening line. To me, what you’re describing in the rest of the paragraph (and what most people associate slavery with in real life) is more culturally ingrained and insidious than a habit—something easily started or broken.
• Check your work for unnecessary words that clog up your prose. Examples are the word “that” in your first sentence. If removing the word doesn’t change the clarity of the sentence, it can be chopped. Usual culprits are conjunctions like, “that” and prepositions like, “at” or directional ones like, “down” when describing a common action like, “sitting.”
• Be wary of echoes, or repeated words in sentences or paragraphs. “Present Hunter hunted bounties” is technically correct. It is also a bit clunky. Use your vast vocabulary to maybe choose a stronger verb and throw in something about how he feels about it.
• What kind of bounties do they take and for whom? Could you add some flavor here?
• Em dashes do not look the same as a regular dash. On a PC, you can type one using Alt0151.
• “Since they were children, this was probably unnecessary.” Is this from the narrator’s perspective or Hunter’s. I feel a lot of narrative distance here from your characters. Show us how Hunter feels about seeing children chained and enslaved.
• “But two centuries of tradition created habits that were hard to break.” This is an echo of your first line. I’m not sure it adds much to the story. I think it breaks up the action of what is shaping up to be a cool scene. I think you could zoom the lens in a bit more to Hunter and the action there.
• “Hunter’s team had been trailing…” – another example of unnecessary words added. This can be condensed to “Hunter’s team trailed…” for brevity’s sake.
• Who is Hunter’s daughter? Is it Amanda? This plot point tripped me up and could probably use clarification.
• Using “the” repeatedly in the scene where Hunter is using his senses is a bit repetitive. Consider changing it up to something like, “Barking dogs. A coughing child. Rumbling [wagon/carriage/other descriptor] wheels.”
• “Raising both of her chins, she stepped off the boardwalk and marched across the square. He felt her sadness. He shared her shame.” This whole section took me out. I’m not sure what you’re trying to convey. Is Amanda overweight or is she a supernatural/fantasy creature with two chins? Nothing in this opening section conveyed her sadness at all or shame. Can you show this and give more insight into why this might be? Also, since this doesn’t come up again in the chapter—review to see if this detail is really needed. It doesn’t go anywhere.
• Just a note that I tripped over, “set-asides.”
• “The ceasefire that paused…” a little redundant since a ceasefire implies a pause in fighting.
• I’d wrongly assumed Autumn was a female character. Just a note in case other readers do the same at the start of the story.
• “Autumn stepped up into the stirrup…” up in this case is an unnecessary directional preposition since this can be implied. Similar to “sitting down” or “standing up.”
• Watch for your paragraph starting echoes like “Autumn” in the 3rd scene.
• “… but he also knew that the man in the middle had the power to make adjustments.” What man in the middle? This paragraph also feels like a contrast to the earlier point the narrator made about things frequently going sideways. Is Autumn not aware of the same normal outcome? The change from “plans always change” to “changing plans can be fatal” to “Autumn changed the plan” sort of gives me a whiplash effect.
• Is LT the bounty? The staging and information we get from Autumn’s POV makes this confusing.
• General note that in at least US publications, we use “toward” instead of “towards” which is more of a UK spelling. I know you’re not from either of those locales, so use your best judgement there. If you lean more toward UK language choices, it’s probably fine. Just pointing out since this has a western theme, so I didn’t know if that would play a role in your decision making.
• “…all elf hunters looked the same.” Repeated phrase in this paragraph.
• “…as his eyes moved from LT to the girl” What girl? A coughing slave girl? Maybe elaborate here.
• Maybe just me, but I’m having a hard time visualizing the scene focused on LT.
o “Altering his course slightly he approached the wagon and stopped beside it.” This tripped me up.
• The shift from elf to eladrin took me by surprise. Maybe use this term earlier. Are elves and eladrin different in your world or just words to describe the same race?
• I don’t think you need a scene break between when Autumn shows up and the coffle master turns around since it’s still focused on LT.
• LT refers to an autumn eladrin. Is this a specific subrace, the man’s name, or both?
• “in a comical language that nobody understood but everyone found funny.” Could you give this more description? What made it funny? Did he use a higher pitch or tone, shortened syllibles, odd clicks or lilts, etc.?
• “LT’s was returned to its scabbard…” I think there’s a missing word here.
o Watch the “was” echo in this sentence
VB’s Reedback and Responses
Please note: My responses are provided in the interest of clear communication only. I want you to see that I have considered everything that you said. Over time, as we get to know each other, it is helpful to understand each other’s thoughts and processes.
• Comparing slavery to a habit was a bit jarring as an opening line. To me, what you’re describing in the rest of the paragraph (and what most people associate slavery with in real life) is more culturally ingrained and insidious than a habit—something easily started or broken.
I’m happy that you were jarred by this. That was the point. Bad habits are insidious and are not easily broken, especially when the culture around you reinforces them as “just the way we do things.”
• Check your work for unnecessary words that clog up your prose. Examples are the word “that” in your first sentence. If removing the word doesn’t change the clarity of the sentence, it can be chopped. Usual culprits are conjunctions like, “that” and prepositions like, “at” or directional ones like, “down” when describing a common action like, “sitting.”
Excellent advice.
• Be wary of echoes, or repeated words in sentences or paragraphs. “Present Hunter hunted bounties” is technically correct. It is also a bit clunky. Use your vast vocabulary to maybe choose a stronger verb and throw in something about how he feels about it.
Hunter is used several times here purposefully. It is his name. It is his occupation. It is also his DNA and his mode of existence. The echoes in this passage hint that this creature is not human. It is a hunter.
• What kind of bounties do they take and for whom? Could you add some flavor here?
Good question. This is page one of a 1200 page novel. For now it’s a puzzle that the reader can think about.
• Em dashes do not look the same as a regular dash. On a PC, you can type one using Alt0151.
Agreed. When I get near a final draft, I will look at formatting details like this.
• “Since they were children, this was probably unnecessary.” Is this from the narrator’s perspective or Hunter’s. I feel a lot of narrative distance here from your characters. Show us how Hunter feels about seeing children chained and enslaved.
Hunter is not human. The narrative distance is purposeful – somewhere between third omniscient and third close. As the story develops, you will get to know him.
• “But two centuries of tradition created habits that were hard to break.” This is an echo of your first line. I’m not sure it adds much to the story. I think it breaks up the action of what is shaping up to be a cool scene. I think you could zoom the lens in a bit more to Hunter and the action there.
The first paragraph introduces slavery. It does not mention children. This is the first reference to child slavery. The collars and the chains foreshadow the Company’s heavy handedness, which becomes a significant issue as the story progresses. That said, I think you make an excellent point about perspective. This paragraph does not need to be 3O. So I have changed it to 3C.
• “Hunter’s team had been trailing…” – another example of unnecessary words added. This can be condensed to “Hunter’s team trailed…” for brevity’s sake.
I don’t understand your point here. This is past perfect tense. It refers to two past points in time. 1. The point at which they started trailing the coffle. 2. The point at which they stopped trailing the coffle. Therefore past perfect is the correct tense.
• Who is Hunter’s daughter? Is it Amanda? This plot point tripped me up and could probably use clarification.
You are absolutely right. I corrected this by changing “Scout” to “his daughter” in paragraph three. The truth is that most people who read the name Scout will assume that Scout is male. Few will remember Scout, the female protagonist from To Kill a Mockingbird, which is who this is intended to be. I missed it because I know Scout is female.
• Using “the” repeatedly in the scene where Hunter is using his senses is a bit repetitive. Consider changing it up to something like, “Barking dogs. A coughing child. Rumbling [wagon/carriage/other descriptor] wheels.”
I respect what you are saying. However, this was not accidental. Hunter is not human. He can hear individual sounds that would be lumped together in human minds. Therefore I chose the definite article the. He doesn’t hear leather squeaking, he hears the leather from the collier’s right shoe. He does not hear dogs barking. He hears particular dogs barking. Etc.
• “Raising both of her chins, she stepped off the boardwalk and marched across the square. He felt her sadness. He shared her shame.”
“He felt her sadness. He shared her shame.” This suggests a connection which will be revealed in subsequent events.
This whole section took me out. I’m not sure what you’re trying to convey. Is Amanda overweight or is she a supernatural/fantasy creature with two chins?
Amanda is a plus-sized lady. “Heavy footfalls” and a double chin hint at that. Add to that the fact that she is a butcher, an occupation with a tendency to obesity in literature.
Nothing in this opening section conveyed her sadness at all or shame.
I’m surprised. Heavy footfalls. The smell of blood. The solemn glance. The deep inhale. The conscious decision to put her chin up. The resolute march across the square. It seemed to suggest sadness to me. Clearly I failed, though. I will take a second look.
Can you show this and give more insight into why this might be? Also, since this doesn’t come up again in the chapter—review to see if this detail is really needed. It doesn’t go anywhere.
This sadness leads to a key decision in chapter seven.
• Just a note that I tripped over, “set-asides.”
Perfect. Another puzzle for the reader.
• “The ceasefire that paused…” a little redundant since a ceasefire implies a pause in fighting.
Fair point. I will find a better way to say this.
• I’d wrongly assumed Autumn was a female character. Just a note in case other readers do the same at the start of the story.
The confusion is intentional. Autumn is both.
• “Autumn stepped up into the stirrup…” up in this case is an unnecessary directional preposition since this can be implied. Similar to “sitting down” or “standing up.”
Fair point.
• Watch for your paragraph starting echoes like “Autumn” in the 3rd scene.
Good catch.
• “… but he also knew that the man in the middle had the power to make adjustments.” What man in the middle? This paragraph also feels like a contrast to the earlier point the narrator made about things frequently going sideways. Is Autumn not aware of the same normal outcome? The change from “plans always change” to “changing plans can be fatal” to “Autumn changed the plan” sort of gives me a whiplash effect.
I think your reaction is what I want. Readers are supposed to recognize the changing the plan is dangerous and that Autumn is making a decision to change the plan – which should raise the tension of the scene.
• Is LT the bounty? The staging and information we get from Autumn’s POV makes this confusing.
I am going to put a pin in this one. You are the first person to be confused, but I can see why. I will probably come back and clarify this.
• General note that in at least US publications, we use “toward” instead of “towards” which is more of a UK spelling. I know you’re not from either of those locales, so use your best judgement there. If you lean more toward UK language choices, it’s probably fine. Just pointing out since this has a western theme, so I didn’t know if that would play a role in your decision making.
I understand. I appreciate the comment.
• “…all elf hunters looked the same.” Repeated phrase in this paragraph.
Not quite… They dress the same way. They wear their hair the same way. Therefore they look the same to LT. This repetition was a deliberate choice, not an accident. It is important that LT is not seen as a racist guy who thinks all elves look alike. In fact, what is happening here is that elves do not want humans to be able to tell elf hunters apart. It is a conscious act of deception. Therefore this is world building.
• “…as his eyes moved from LT to the girl” What girl? A coughing slave girl? Maybe elaborate here.
Sorry. I can see why you are confused. This was poor writing on my part. I have fixed it.
• Maybe just me, but I’m having a hard time visualizing the scene focused on LT.
I will take a closer look. You are the first to mention it. But it may be an issue.
o “Altering his course slightly he approached the wagon and stopped beside it.” This tripped me up.
I will take a closer look at this as well.
• The shift from elf to eladrin took me by surprise. Maybe use this term earlier. Are elves and eladrin different in your world or just words to describe the same race?
Sorry. This is a D&D thing. Eladrins are a particular kind of elves. I will fix that.
• I don’t think you need a scene break between when Autumn shows up and the coffle master turns around since it’s still focused on LT.
The POV switches to the coffle master.
• LT refers to an autumn eladrin. Is this a specific subrace, the man’s name, or both?
• “in a comical language that nobody understood but everyone found funny.” Could you give this more description? What made it funny? Did he use a higher pitch or tone, shortened syllibles, odd clicks or lilts, etc.?
I’m going to put a pin in this one, too. I need to ponder it.
• “LT’s was returned to its scabbard…” I think there’s a missing word here.
Good catch. The word missing was sword. I have fixed that.
o Watch the “was” echo in this sentence
I’m not sure what you mean. If you clarify, I will have another look.