Draft 14 – Updated 29 AUGUST 2026 (C007/D014)
The day was done. The sun was down. The Devil’s Beard was coming to life. The high rhythmic trill of crickets drowned out the rustling of small mammals and the calls of distant owls. Large predators were yawning, stretching, and feeling the urge to hunt.
The river camp sat just off the colony’s main road. It was strip of gently sloping pastureland stretching away from the road along the north bank of a river. The top of its slope emerged from the foot of a dense alpine forest known locally as the Devil’s Beard. From there the pasture rolled down through a tree-studded meadow to the rocky north bank of the river
The forest above the pasture was ancient, tangled, and dark. It covered the lower third of the mountain like a beard covers the lower part of a man’s angry face. Above the Beard, thrusting skyward, were a pair of rocky peaks—glacial horns, whose snowcaps, when the clouds were just right, glowed red in the light of the setting sun.
The overseer and three of his deputies were sitting on their bedrolls sheltered by the overlapping branches of two towering everwoods. The remaining deputy kept watch over the children while a lone adult slave kept a sleepy eye on the wagons near the road.
Two raucous coyote packs, one on either end of the river, were engaged in a loud battle over territory. The pack closest to the camp, hidden behind the screen of trees that defined the pasture’s boundary with the Beard, seemed to be winning. Lobbing batons of firewood in their direction now and then was the only way to quiet them enough to talk.
*****
Thanks to the little charade in front of the church earlier in the day, the stage was set for the final phase of Hunter’s plan. Their young bounty, seated at the fire and scheduled—soon—for second watch, was now under Autumn’s magical influence. With a little luck, he would doze off during his watch and that would bring an end to their mission.
In the unlikely event that the kid managed to stay awake through his entire watch, Hunter and his team would move to a riskier Plan B and abduct their target the hard way. Regardless, though, this night was their last chance to get him, because tomorrow night their bounty would be sleeping in a barracks behind the walls of the Shadows.
Hunter’s position, high in an everwood overlooking the campfire, gave him a commanding view of the battlefield below. He could see the unhitched wagons lined up beside the road and the cluster of tents adjacent to them.
The campfire around which the deputies were arranged was close enough to the tents to provide light. Yet it was set far enough away from the tents not to endanger them with sparks.
The chuckwagon, reeking of supper’s stew, was parked below them on the downslope. It was positioned halfway between the campfire and the riverbank. Nothing could save poor Hunter from the smell. Not the smoke from the fire. Not the manure in the paddock. Not the three-seater outhouse on its distant end.
Decades of experience as a bounty hunter told him that their mission was likely moving forward to a successful conclusion tonight. If there was a bump in the road that could divert their plan from its current predictable path it might be the little girl, and her cough.
Under normal circumstances, Hunter would be able to count on the cruelty of the slavers to ignore the child’s illness and stick to their comfortable routines. However, with a fugitive hiding in their midst, these were not normal circumstances at all.
*****
“Sounds like that cough done took,” said one of the deputies, causing the overseer to clench his jaw and stand.
Another cough emerged from the darkness. This one was not a child’s cough.
“Gotdamn it!” Walking to the edge of the firelight, he raised his voice. “You sick, too, Moonshine?”
“Naw, sir,” replied a voice from the darkness. “Just the smoke is all.”
Should have done the three-silver treatment. “What about y’all?” he demanded of the rest of the men at the fire.
One by one, they assured him they were fine.
“I’m like the guy who jumped off the Tower of Elrond,” the young deputy said with a smirk.
“What about him?” asked the overseer.
“As he was falling, people on each floor kept hearing him say, ‘So far, so good!’”
“And?”
“So far so good,” he replied, eyes sparkling in the firelight.
“That’s a dumb gotdam joke, LT,” the overseer snapped. “Go relieve Porkchop.”
The young deputy stood, adjusted his scabbard and headed out into the darkness. As he passed the coffle, he tugged once on the chain to make certain it was secured to the tree.
*****
Hunter watched the scene unfold beneath him. He heard the familiar old joke and smiled as the boy checked his gear. He saw him tug on the slave chain and, for the first time, understood the pulse of colour that passed through him.
“Ain’t right,” Hunter heard him mutter, confirming what he had suspected for a week now.
At precisely that moment Hunter also heard a cricket trill. It was his daughter, Scout, letting him know she was awake. She was ready in her assigned position.
In a moment, he should get a similar message from Autumn verifying that he was in place as well. One-hundred heartbeats later, however … nothing.
*****
LT walked to the edge of the light and carefully surveyed the darkness. When his eyes adjusted to it, he relieved his comrade and waited for him to go to his bedroll. When LT’s eyes and ears convinced him that everything was as it should be, he moved stealthily over to the children.
Keeping one eye on the fire-blind deputies in their bedrolls, LT opened his canteen, sat the little girl up, and gave her a long drink. When she finished, he wiped the canteen with his sleeve and gave the boy next to her a long drink as well. Then he wiped the canteen one more time and put it back inside his coat.
*****
Wha’choo up to, boy? Hunter watched the slaver-who-was-not-a-slaver attend to the children in the coffle. It made no sense for him to accept a contract that took him into the Shadows—unless he had a plan that made the risk worthwhile.
Hunter knew that waiting to see what he was up to increased the risk of something going wrong with his own plan. But he couldn’t help it. His gut told him to help the kid—if he could just figure out what he was up to.
I liked this chapter, there is good build-up, the scene is clear.
Three short comments:
1) This chapter would “hit harder” and feel more tense with some revision to the previous chapters, just to feel more connected to main characters
2) The elf – when the elf is first introduced it sounded as though he’s gonna go off Hunter’s plan; from my understanding, he didn’t back in the town? Here in Hunter’s snippet it again sounds like something is amiss with the elf; I think the way it was done earlier/ slightly now can be revised.
3) The butcher’s wife – looking back now, unclear why Hunter thought to himself “this must be hard for her etc” end of CH1 – I assumed she’d play a bigger role earlier
7-River camp-Line Edits
The day was done and the sun was down. The Devil’s Beard was coming to life. High rhythmic trill of crickets drowned out the rustling of small mammals and the calls of distant owls. Large (Maybe Nocturnal instead of large) predators were yawning, stretching, and feeling the urge to hunt.
The river camp sat just off the colony’s main road. It was a strip of gently sloping pastureland, stretching away from the road along the north bank of the river. The top of its slope emerged from the foot of a dense Alpine Forest known locally as the Devil’s Beard. From there, the pasture rolled down through a tree-studded meadow to the rocky north bank of the river.-delete
The forest above the pasture was ancient, tangled, and dark. It covered the lower third of the mountain like a beard covers the lower part of-delete a man’s angry face. Above the Beard, thrusting skyward, were a pair of rocky peaks—glacial horns, whose snowcaps, when the clouds were just right, glowed red in the light of the setting sun.
The Overseer and three of his deputies were sitting on their bedrolls sheltered by the overlapping branches of two towering Everwoods. The remaining deputy kept watch over the children while a lone adult slave kept a sleepy eye on the wagons near the road.
Two raucous coyote packs, one on either end of the river, were engaged in a loud battle over territory on either end of the river. The pack closest to the camp, hidden behind the screen of trees that defined the pasture’s boundary with the Beard, seemed to be winning. Lobbing batons of firewood in their direction now and then was the only way to quiet them enough to talk.
“Sounds like that cough done took,” said one of the deputies, causing the Overseer to clench his jaw and stand.
You should have done the three-silver treatment. “What about y’all?” he demanded of the rest of the men at the fire.
“What about him?” asked the Overseer.
“That’s a dumb gotdam joke, LT,” the Overseer snapped. “Go relieve Porkchop.”
At precisely that moment, Hunter also heard a cricket trill. It was his daughter, Scout, letting him know she was awake. She was ready in her assigned position.
One-hundred (One hundred) heartbeats later, however … nothing.
Hey Reuben. I appreciate feedback, but I cannot understand this feedback.
I see a suggestion to change “large” to nocturnal. That is clear.
I also see -delete, but I don’t see what you are suggesting should be delete.
And I see a bunch of text copied and pasted into the comments box that appears not to be commented on.
Am I missing something? Apologies for the confusion. Thanks in advance for clarifying.
Summary:
PoV: Hunter
• Objective-Execute their plan to snatch the fugitive
• Obstacles-Timing. Waiting for the right time to grab em.
• Outcome-ongoing
• Is this scene moving the plot forward? yes
• Is this scene building the world? some. we get some visual references and some terms are introduced (Devil’s Beard, Shadows)
• Is this scene demonstrating internal character? We learn that LT shows sympathy for the slaves, and Hunter finds that curious
• Is this scene demonstrating external character change? no
Notes:
The remaining deputy kept watch over the children while a lone adult slave kept a sleepy eye on the wagons near the road. PoV up to this point had been close person third. This reads omniscient?
because tomorrow night their bounty would be sleeping in a barracks behind the walls of the Shadows. This makes me think that Shadows is a fortress, or walled town.
gave him a commanding view of the battlefieldstrange word choice. They are here to snatch and go, not fight below.
The campfire around which the deputies were arranged was close enough to the tents to provide light. suggest reword. Inserting the dependent clause between the campfire and what it illuminates creates momentary confusion.
The chuckwagon, reeking of supper’s stew, great verb, makes dinner sound sumptuous was parked below them on the downslopeand hopefully, down wind.
Nothing could save poor Hunter from the smell. upwind. Sorry Hunter.
“Sounds like that cough done took,” said one of the deputies, causing the overseer to clench his jaw and stand. Overseer PoV
Hunter watched the scene unfold beneath him. Back to Hunter
LT walked LT PoV
Wha’choo up to, boy? Hunter and Hunter again
It made no sense for him who is the him? Hunter or LT?to accept a contract that took him into the Shadows—unless he had a plan that made the risk worthwhile. Part of the reason I ask is because ‘contract’ is undefined. Hunter is working on a bounty, which is a type of contract. Knowing what I know, I assume Hunter is wondering why LT would sign on to the coffle as a guard (contract), when he is wanted by the very folks whom he travels with, and travels to.
But he couldn’t help it. His gut told him to help the kid—if he could just figure out what he was up to. Why help? Up to this point, Hunter is a bounty hunter. That is the sort of job where you turn off sympathy. And curiousity, for that matter.