Draft 29 – Updated 29 AUGUST 2026 (C001/D029)
Noticing, for the first time, the many eyes that were upon him, Autumn spoke, though he addressed no one in particular: “Children don’t like the taste of ash” he said, wrinkling his nose. “It’s burnt and yucky. The blueberries make it taste better … and the colour is pretty,” he added, smiling up at the curious faces in the wagon.
By the time the bowl’s contents were blended into a smooth paste, everyone had relaxed. The bodyguard’s knife had been returned to its sheath and the entire group was watching with fascinated curiosity. All were quiet except the little girl; her raspy cough punctured the silence.
“Oh, honey, I’m sorry you’re feeling poorly. I’m going as fast as I can,” Autumn said as he began thinning the paste by pouring water from the canteen into the bowl and whisking it in with a pair of polished sticks. A few heartbeats later, he was done. The sticks went back into a pocket in his jacket and out came a small wooden spoon.
“A little help, sir,” he said, extending a hand to the fugitive disguising himself as a slaver.
*****
LT hesitated, uncertain, but extended his hand and pulled Autumn to his feet. As he rose, the little ginger smiled and mumbled something LT did not understand.
“What?” he asked, trying to unclasp his hand. Autumn held firm to his grip, smiling, and speaking an unfamiliar tongue.
LT yanked his hand to free it. Once. Then again.
On the second pull, the healer let go causing LT to lose his balance and nearly trip backward onto the church steps. The whole group, slaves, slavers, and onlooking townsfolk, burst into involuntary laughter.
“Oh my goodness,” the mortified healer exclaimed, placing his thin fingers on his upper chest. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. Please don’t laugh,” he begged the children.
LT recovered his balance and looked around feeling a rush of blood to his face and ears.
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. It’s an eladrin thing,” Autumn explained. “When someone extends a hand to help us up, we offer them a blessing. I know it’s weird. And it takes a bit longer than humans expect. So it catches y’all off guard. Please don’t be cross.”
“Sure,” said LT looking at his wet, berry-stained fingers briefly before wiping them off on his breeches. “No problem.”
When the giggling subsided, the eladrin administered the medicine. One by one, each of the children were given a single spoonful of the purple liquid. Last to be treated was the green-eyed little cougher who gulped down the rest.
The healer carefully rinsed the bowl out with his canteen before returning it and the burlap wrap to his saddlebag.
“That will be ten silver please, sir,” he said, turning back to the man with the whip.
*****
Moments later, four more set-asides, recently selected from the church in Three Mills, were absorbed into the coffle. And by the time the coffle train slithered out of town toward the river camp, the autumn eladrin, the anonymous hunter, and his young female companion had vanished.
Re ““That will be ten silver please, sir,” he said, turning back to the man with the whip.” – this is from LT’s POV, no? would he desribe the man with the whip as just that?
I was lost in this last part “Moments later, four more set-asides…” jumping too much around, rather than letting this act speak for itself; there are many interesting elements, but just need more time to sit and marinate in it
This is a line edit:
“It’s (It is would be better here for emphasis) burnt and yucky. The blueberries make it taste better … And the colour is pretty,” he added, smiling up at the curious faces in the wagon.
By the time the bowl’s contents were blended into a smooth paste, everyone had relaxed. The bodyguard’s knife had been returned to its sheath (,) and the entire group was watching with fascinated (,) curiosity. All were quiet except (for) the little girl; her raspy cough punctured the silence. (I feel like this is grammatically correct. But I feel like this will flow better with two separate sentences.)
“Oh, honey, I’m sorry you’re feeling poorly. I’m going as fast as I can(.)” Autumn said ( No dialogue tag needed) as (delete the word as) He began thinning the paste by pouring water from the canteen into the bowl and whisking it in with a pair of polished sticks. A few heartbeats later, he was done. The sticks went back into a pocket in his jacket and out came a small wooden spoon.
“A little help, sir,” the disguised slaver said, extending a hand to the fugitive. disguising himself as a slaver.–delete
(The) LT hesitated before extending his hand and pulled Autumn to his feet. As he rose, the little ginger smiled and mumbled something (the) LT did not understand.
“What?” he asked, trying to unclasp his hand. Autumn held (A) firm to his grip, smiling, and speaking (in) an unfamiliar tongue.
LT yanked (on) his hand to free it.–Delete Once. Then again.
On the second pull, the healer let go(,) causing LT to lose his balance and nearly trip backward onto the church steps. The whole group (of) slaves, slavers, and onlooking townsfolk(, I would remove the comma here.) burst into involuntary laughter.
“Oh(,) my goodness,” the mortified healer exclaimed, placing his thin fingers on his upper chest. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. Please don’t laugh,” he begged the children.
LT recovered his balance and looked around feeling a rush of blood to his face and ears. (The LT.’s blood rushed to his face and ears as he recovered.)
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. It’s an (E)ladrin thing(.) Autumn explained-deleteWhen someone extends a hand to help us up, we offer them a blessing. I know it’s weird. And it takes a bit longer than humans expect. So it catches y’all off guard. Please don’t be cross.”
“Sure,” said (the LT.,) looking at his wet,-delete berry-stained fingers briefly-delete before wiping them off on his breeches. “No problem.”
Summary:
POV: Autumn
• Objective-Give the kids some medicine, and execute his part of the plan to boot.
• Obstacles-Suspicious human types
• Outcome-Success
• Is this scene moving the plot forward? yes
• Is this scene building the world? In a small way
• Is this scene demonstrating internal character? We see a bit more of Autumn’s kindness on display
• Is this scene demonstrating external character change? No
Notes:
Noticing, for the first time, the many eyes that were upon him A bit strange, since those making the transaction had stopped down when he rode to coffle. He interacted with the overseer, so I would expect he’d see the rest of the group all staring at him
the entire group was watching with fascinated curiositywhich group? I thought the overseer had returned to business, which would draw that group away from Autumn.
“Oh, honey, I’m sorry you’re feeling poorly. I’m going as fast as I can,” Autumn said as he began thinning the paste by pouring water from the canteen into the bowl and whisking it in with a pair of polished sticks. A few heartbeats later, he was done. The sticks went back into a pocket in his jacket and out came a small wooden spoon.
“A little help, sir,” he said, extending a hand to the fugitive disguising himself as a slaver. Watch for other feedback; is the tie between disguished fugitive and young man guard clear? I have read this before, so not a good judge.
LT hesitatedPoV switch, scene break. New motives, goals, obstacles
I know it’s weird. would strange fit better here?
Not sure you needed the PoV switch here. I read LT’s hestitation, confusion, flash of anger and embarrassment, all of which appear externally.
Moments later, four more set-asides, Two items. 1) PoV not clear on this last paragraph. 2) did these four not get medicine? Especially if he is only giving something to delay it, you’d think he overseer would include them.