Draft 8 – Updated 7 October 2025 (C002/D008)
The day was done. The sun was down. The Devil’s Beard was stirring and its nocturnal residents were becoming active. The high rhythmic trill of crickets drowned out the rustling of small mammals and the calls of distant owls. Large predators were yawning, stretching, and feeling the pangs of hunger. The time to hunt was near.
The river camp sat just off the main road in pastureland studded with towering everwoods. The pasture itself was a long strip of gently sloping land that followed the north bank of the Cold River. The top of its slope emerged from a dense alpine forest with an infamous reputation. Here it opened into a wooded meadow that rolled down to the water’s rocky edge.
The dark forest from which it emerged was tangled and old. It covered the lower third of the mountain like a beard covers the lower third of a face. Above the Beard, thrusting skyward, were a pair of rocky triangles, glacial horns, whose snowcaps—when the clouds were just right—glared red in the light of the setting sun.
The river camp itself was once a homestead on land partially cleared for farming. All but the largest everwoods had been removed before tragedy struck. Never finished, it was now pastureland perfectly placed to serve the chateaus that guarded the colony’s main road where it passed between the horns above.
Within the boundaries of the camp, the knockers, the wagoneers, and the camp workers were snoring in their tents. The children were shivering on the ground covered by filthy blankets; the steel chain that held them was secured to the trunk of an everwood.
The coffle master and three of the deputies were sitting on their bedrolls sheltered by the overlapping branches of two towering everwoods. Two nearby coyote packs were engaged in a vocal battle over territory, making campfire conversation difficult. The pack closest to them, hidden behind the screen of trees that defined the pasture’s northern boundary seemed to be winning. Lobbing chunks of firewood in their direction now and then was the only way to quiet them…temporarily.
High above the deputies, beyond the reach of the firelight and just past the range of their hearing, lounged the elf bounty hunter who had been staking them out for weeks.
The final deputy of their group was posted on guard duty, along with two of the adult slaves. The elf’s black-hatted bounty was seated at the fire. His turn at watch, the elf knew, was scheduled to begin soon.
Thanks to the little charade in front of the church earlier in the day, the stage was set for the final phase of Hunter’s plan. Their bounty was now under Autumn’s spell. With a little luck, he would doze off during his watch and that would be the end of it.
In the unlikely event that he managed to stay awake through his entire watch, Hunter and his team would move to a riskier Plan B and abduct their target the hard way. Regardless, though, this night was their last opportunity, because tomorrow night their bounty would be sleeping in a barracks at The Shadows.
Hunter’s position gave him a commanding view of the battlefield below. He could see the unhitched wagons near the road and the cluster of tents set up next to them. The campfire around which the deputies were arranged was close enough to provide light for those in the tents who might need to get up during the night. Yet it was set far enough away not to endanger them with wayward sparks.
The chuckwagon was parked to his south on the slope below the campfire, nearer the river. It still reeked of supper’s stew and nothing could save Hunter from the smell. Not the smoke. Not the paddock. Not even the three-seater outhouse on the far side of the paddock.
Hunter’s perch was in the strategic center of the camp. Not only could he see everything, he could hear everything as well. The snoring in the tents, the banter at the fire, the snorts and nickers of horses paddocked uncomfortably close to warring coyotes, the coughing children, and signals from his partners.
Decades of experience as a bounty hunter told Hunter that their mission was likely moving forward to a successful conclusion tonight. If there was a bump in the road that could divert their plan from its path it might be the cough of the little girl that appeared to be spreading to others.
Under normal circumstances, Hunter would be able to count on the cruelty of the slavers to ignore the child’s cough and stick to their comfortable habits. However, these were not normal circumstances. One of these slavers was not a slaver at all.
“Sounds like that cough done took,” said one of the deputies.
The coffle master clenched his jaw. Another cough emerged from the darkness. This one was not a child’s cough.
“Damn!” Walking to the edge of the firelight, he raised his voice. “You sick, too, Moonshine?”
“Naw,” replied a voice from the darkness. “Ain’t no thing.”
Shoulda done the three silver treatment, the overseer chastised himself. “What about y’all?” he demanded of the group at the fire. One by one, they assured him they were fine.
“I’m like the guy who jumped off the Tower of Elal,” LT said with a sly smirk.
“What about him?” asked the captain.
“As he was falling, people on each floor kept hearing him say, ‘So far, so good!’”
“And?”
“So far so good,” LT replied, eyes sparkling playfully.
“That’s a dumb goddam joke,” the captain replied with a glare. “Go relieve Porkchop.”
LT stood, adjusted his katana and headed out into the darkness. His path took him directly under Hunter. As LT passed the coffle, he checked the chain to make certain it was secure. Two of the children were coughing. The youngest girl’s cough was especially bad and it seemed to be getting worse.
Hunter took it all in from his perch. He heard the joke, watched LT adjust his gear, watched him check the slave chain, and noted an intense pulse of red as he passed the girl with the cough. “Ain’t right,” he heard LT mutter under his breath.
At precisely that moment Hunter also heard a cricket trill at a slightly lower frequency than all of the other sounds in the background. It was his daughter, Scout, letting him know she was awake and ready in her assigned spot. Hearing that, he waited for a response from Autumn verifying that he was in place as well. One-hundred heartbeats later…nothing.
Below him on the ground, LT relieved his comrade and carefully surveyed the darkness waiting for his eyes to adjust. When his eyes and ears convinced him that everything was as it should be, he moved stealthily to the slaves.
Keeping one eye on the deputies gathered around the fire, LT opened his canteen, sat the little girl up, and gave her a long drink. When she finished, he wiped the canteen with his sleeve and gave the coughing boy next to her a long drink as well. Then he wiped the canteen one more time and put it back in his coat. The coughing subsided.
All of this Hunter observed with interest. Wha’choo up to, boy? he asked himself silently about this unusual behaviour. Wha’choo up to?
Why would a wanted man take a Company contract, he wondered? More importantly, why would he take a contract that took him toward The Shadows and not away from them? It was an extraordinary risk.
This wrinkle—this unexpected behavior from a fugitive—was the reason Hunter was waiting until the last possible moment to pull the trigger on an abduction that should have happened days ago. Hunter knew LT was up to something, but he did not yet know what.
That was the moment at which everything changed.
Nothing about that moment seemed historic. Hunter was in a tree, which to be honest was where one would normally find him. The slaves were in their chains. The overseer and his deputies were reclining on their bedrolls. Everything and everyone was exactly where one would expect to find them—except….
*****
Autumn was distracted. While moving into his assigned position to observe the camp, he had stumbled across some suspicious spoor. It hinted at something that did not seem possible. Gnolls—vicious dog-like warriors at war with every species around them—were no longer present on this side of the bay. Yet…here were canine tracks far too large and far too deep to be anything else.
He knew that Hunter preferred he stick to their carefully laid plans, but this seemed important. Gnolls were massive—towering, bipedal hyenas who outweigh large human men by nearly half. A single gnoll in close combat with a proficient human warrior will shred his opponent and then eat his corpse to celebrate. An elite human warrior, highly skilled with superior weapons, might…might prevail against a single gnoll in hand-to-hand combat. But a pack of gnolls with the advantages of surprise and darkness versus four armed deputies, a single coffle master, and a bunch of unarmed slaves…that would be a massacre.
In order to assess this unanticipated threat, Autumn needed to know what and how many. The tracks he followed took him away from camp. Out of sheer bad luck, he was a considerable distance away on the riverbank across from the old mill when the first war yelps reached his ears. It did not help, in that moment, that the gnolls were immediately answered by the nearby coyotes, for the deputies—unfamiliar with gnolls—took no notice of it.
Hunter, Scout and Autumn, however, were not fooled. Having grown up across the bay in The Wood, where gnolls were common, they understood the danger. They heard the war yelps and immediately grasped their implications. The sounds would draw attention to one side of the camp, but the attack would begin on the other.
Scout was stationed near the wagons, at the end of the camp opposite the war yelps, and realized that her position would soon be overrun. She bolted to the nearest wagon and scrambled around behind it. Hunter was near the center of camp in an everwood. High ground was good, but he was too far from her to help prevent the attack from starting.
A few heartbeats later, Scout heard the first footfalls of the gnolls entering the pasture from the place where the road to The Shadows entered The Beard. They were charging along the treeline that separated the Beard from the pasture. A glance at the adult slave posted nearest her position showed he was alert. Unfortunately, he was looking back toward the campfire and the yipping of nearby coyotes was enough to distract him from the sound of the charging warriors.
Scout stepped into the deepest shadows, readied her bow, and nocked an arrow. She prepped a second arrow in her bow hand, but knew she would not be able to loose it until the entire line of gnolls passed her. Loosing the arrow too soon would give her position away and lead to a quick death. Best to wait until the line passed her and then pick them off from behind while they were silhouetted against the light fabric of the tents and illuminated by the campfire.
She also considered the people in the camp. She wanted to save them all but knew that even with the best efforts of the three elite individuals in her party, most were sure to die. Since that tragedy was unavoidable, she would do her best to save some of the children.
Scout counted nearly twenty gnolls. A few more, she knew, would attack from the other side of the camp. The watchman nearest her, hypnotized by the coyote sounds and unable to see in the dark, provided absolutely no warning to his comrades. The first gnoll took him from behind and ran him through with a machete. He fell to the ground clutching at his stomach, gurgling, trying to keep his insides inside.
Two heartbeats later, they reached the firelight and headed straight for the men rising from their bedrolls. One deputy broke ranks and bolted toward the river without stopping to draw a weapon. The others jumped to their feet, slid their long knives from their scabbards, and absorbed the attack.
After the last gnoll passed her hidden position, Scout stepped out and loosed an arrow aimed at his back. Unexpectedly, the gnoll immediately in front of her target stumbled, forcing her target to take a quick step to its left. This caused Scout’s arrow to miss the trailing gnoll and strike the gnoll in front of him.
While Scout was lucky that this arrow managed to drop the gnoll it actually hit, she was unlucky in that the gnoll she missed turned around looking for an archer. Having already drawn her bowstring, she stood as still as possible hoping to avoid detection.
*****
At the other end of the camp, LT became aware of the gnolls as they reached the campfire. He drew his long, curved, single edged sword and was about to join the battle at the fire when a shout from overhead—“Look to the tads!”—locked him in place, defending the coffle.
Mayhem ripped through the camp. His comrades at the campfire did what they could. Two gnolls fell, but it was not enough. The survivors were immediately gutted by the larger gnolls. The coffle master died first, cleaved by a machete from his right shoulder through to his left hip. In moments, the others disappeared in a mist of blood amongst a hail of blades and gnashing teeth.
Hunter knew the camp was lost. Protecting the children was his only concern. Two gnolls who broke off from the campfire toward LT were immediately taken down by arrows—one in the neck, one in the groin. The last of these two stumbled into LT’s feet clutching at his crotch and was dispatched by a single chop of his sword.
The lone human deserter fled down the slope past the chuckwagon, heading for the river, but was quickly overtaken by a pursuing gnoll. Hunter fired two arrows into the melee hoping to hit the gnoll with both. Unfortunately, the first arrow found the coward’s kidney. He dropped to the ground and started crawling for the river on his hands and knees. The second, punctured the gnoll’s neck, severed his spine, and protruded from his throat. He expired gurgling on the ground close behind the injured deputy.
*****
The gnoll looking for Scout quickly spotted her. As recognition sparked in his eyes, an arrow flashed toward him. His iron helm saved his life but the intensity of the blow knocked him back and watered his eyes. He never saw the second arrow, the one that ended his life. Nevertheless, his awkward death bought his fellow tribesmen precious seconds, allowing them to swarm the tents.
*****
The attack on the far side of the camp began just as the first group arrived at the fire. The gnoll leader, flanked by two of his largest fighters, emerged from The Devil’s Beard and charged along the treeline past the outhouse. LT could not see them in the dark, but Hunter could.
The distance was long, the target was moving, and leaves from an adjacent oak were partially blocking his view. Hunter aimed for the center of mass and loosed an arrow through a gap in the foliage. He immediately reloaded and loosed another. The first arrow pierced a gnoll in the side of his lower belly and stopped him, grunting, in his tracks. The second arrow struck the leader’s shoulder cap with an audible chink and ricocheted into the paddock where it started the horses.
LT, alerted by the horses, heard the pounding footsteps and turned to see the gnolls coming. Positioning his two-handed sword low in near ward position, LT planted his feet and prepared for the coming rush. Hunter recognized the stance. Whoever this fugitive was, the Broken Chains taught him to fight.
*****
Cries of horror from inside the tents were quickly silenced. Scout took the bloody gnolls down one-by-one as they stepped out of the tents back into the firelight. With everyone now dead on her side of camp, she dashed past the fire toward Hunter.
Autumn topped the slope at a full sprint just in time to see the leader and a flanking gnoll close with their black-hatted bounty. The flanking gnoll was a two steps ahead of the leader charging LT with his sword above his head. As he stepped in close, LT shifted his weight, lifted his sword, gutted the gnoll and stepped past the collapsing corpse. Stopping his sword overhead in house position, he blocked the leader’s downward strike, absorbed his power and rolled clear of a second strike that just whistled past his ear.
*****
The children tried to run, but their chains held them fast to the trunk of the tree. Some screamed, some cried, and some yanked desperately at their bonds. Several gnolls, having finished their battle with the deputies at the campfire, bolted past them to join the fight with their leader.
Knowing what must be done to end the battle, Hunter scanned for Autumn and spotted the druid cresting the hill. He slung his bow across his back, drew his staff, and jumped down from his perch hoping Autumn would see him in the open. He pointed at the charging leader with his staff and slid into position back-to-back with LT. The gnolls closed a circle around them.
“Cavalry’s coming, yo,” Hunter said over his shoulder, parrying an attack from a gnoll. “Get ready to roll.”
“What?” exclaimed LT, relieved to have help, but having no idea what the stranger meant.
“We gonna roll out,” Hunter shouted over the growls and howls of the attacking gnolls. “Watch for a spot.”
*****
Scout came into range just as Autumn topped the hill and the gnolls closed the circle. She could not see Hunter behind the curtain of seven foot animals, but she knew where he had to be. She also recognized the druidic gestures that Autumn was making and understood what she needed to do. Two quick arrows sunk deep into their targets’ backs, creating an opening.
The ground at their feet shuddered. The soil began rippling like water. “Now!” Hunter shouted, grabbing LT and rolling through the opening.
LT felt something grasping at his boots, but they rolled free and came up in house position, weapons held high ready to block an attack. As the snarling beasts pivoted toward them, long grasses, grasping thistles, and thumb-thick saplings snaked up from beneath the soil entangling their legs, slithering through gaps in clothing and armour, wrapping their arms, curling around their throats like bark-armoured pythons. Two fell and were immediately overcome by the coiling vegetation.
One broke free, stumbled during his escape, and dropped to his knees at the feet of LT and Hunter. With a quick downward swipe, LT removed his head. A second broke free and took an arrow to the brain from Scout. Moments later, all remaining gnolls were immobilized and the battle—for the moment—was paused.
Hunter lowered his staff. LT pivoted to face him while maintaining his defensive posture.
“Who the hell are you?” LT demanded.
Hunter circled the entangled beasts, carefully examining arms and legs to ensure that none could break free.
“Who the hell are you?” LT repeated.
Hunter ignored him, completing the circle and walking back toward the camp.
“Stop.” LT ordered as he sheathed his sword and followed the elf. “Where are you going?”
Autumn went to the children. Scout wrapped a kerchief over her face before checking every gnoll corpse to make sure they weren’t playing possum. She also began the process of retrieving every arrow loosed—broken or unbroken.
Hunter stopped first over the coffle master’s dead body. He searched it, took a key from one pocket and some folded papers from another. Shaking the blood from the papers, he tossed the key to Autumn as he walked past on his way to the treeline. The papers were folded and stuffed inside his tunic.
“Take the chains off the tads. Replace them with corpses.”
Autumn nodded.
“The gnolls gotta break the chain if they want to drag all of the bodies away at once.”
“I get it,” Autumn replied.
“I’ll answer your questions,” Hunter said to LT, stopping to examine the ground at the spot where he had put an arrow into the slave’s kidney. “But first you’re gonna answer mine.”
“Depends on the question,” LT replied, squaring up his chest and putting his hand on the pommel of his sword.
Hunter scoffed, shook his head, and squatted down for a closer look at the ground. “What’s LT stand for?” he asked, following a blood trail across the meadow in the general direction of the river.
“It’s my name.”
Hunter looked at him skeptically.
“It’s my nickname. Stands for Little Tanner,” he volunteered. “My dad’s name was Tanner. I’m Little Tanner.”
“Was?” Hunter asked.
“He passed.”
Hunter paused for a moment, considering what he’d been told. “Sorry to hear that,” he offered before turning his attention away and following the blood trail down the hill.
LT tagged along. “It was five years ago”—LT’s eyes widened—“You were in the tree,” he blurted, in a moment of recognition. “And you three…I saw you in town.”
Hunter stopped halfway down the hill, gazing at the ribbon of river reflecting the moonlight.
“What are you looking for?” LT wondered aloud, searching the darkness.
“Blood trail.” Hunter pointed to the ground, tracing a line with his finger. “Leads to the water.”
“What…how the…It’s pitch black out here,” LT exclaimed.
“Naw, son,” Hunter replied. “You just night blind.”
“So there’s a guy in the water?” LT asked, half drawing his sword.
“Most likely,” said Hunter before turning and walking back toward the camp.
As Hunter strode up the hill, LT followed along in silence, gathering his thoughts, trying to make sense of it all.
Approaching the camp, Hunter saw the shivering children in their filthy blankets gathered around the fire. Scout and Autumn were dragging corpses to the slave chain and affixing collars to their necks. The lower half of the coffle master was dumped next to his upper.
“Find some water in those wagons and give those tads a drink,” Hunter instructed LT.
Hunter turned and walked toward the entangled pack of gnolls.
“You understand that I’m a deputy, right?” LT called after Hunter. “Those kids are the property of The Shadows.”
Hunter kept walking.
“Oh, honey,” Autumn chuckled, shaking his head, “if he thought you were one of these guys…”
Great chapter. The extra details and revised narrative are more compelling and left me wanting to read on. I like what you have done here, and the changes have been positive. I feel more drawn into the story, deeper into the narrative, and have a better understanding of what is happening. I think we get a better sense of LT in these two revised chapters, and I am intrigued!
Thank you, Becca. Glad you find it improved. That is always the goal.
Summary:
Definite improvement. I appreciate the description of the land’s layout, explaining why the area is called the Beard, for example. Overall, the flow is more logical and easier to follow. I do get stuck at one point, which I cover in the details below.
Notes: Sorry, I know I sometimes get into line editing. Feel free to ignore… sometimes I just can’t help it 😛
“The Devil’s Beard was stirring and its nocturnal residents were becoming active.” “The Devil’s Beard stirred, its nocturnal residents becoming active.”
“Large predators were yawning, stretching, and feeling the pangs of hunger.” “Large predators yawned, stretched, and experienced the pangs of hunger.”
“and the camp workers were snoring in their tents” – I started to realize this during the second read and did a find. I found were 37 times and 68 times. I’d suggest going more active, for example, “and the camp workers snored in their tents” and “The children lay on the ground, shivering in filthy blankets; their steel chain restraint secured to the trunk of an everwood.” Etc.
Just checking: “lounged the elf bounty hunter who had” is this meant to be hunter, or Hunter? If the latter, I’d use commas around Hunter.
“Hunter and his team of would move to a riskier Plan B” “Hunter and his team would shift to riskier Plan B”
“Hunter’s position gave him a commanding view of the battlefield below.” I’d suggest not using battlefield here, unless you really want to foreshadow a fight. Right now, we might pull this off; snag LT when he falls asleep and we are outta here. “commanding view of the camp/meadow/field…” Let the gnolls be a surprise.
“cluster of tents set up next to them.” “cluster of tents erected next to them.”
“still reeked of supper’s stew, and” – think it reads better with the coma, I like the pause. Or: “Nothing could save from the smell from the reek of supper’s stew”
“three-seater outhouse” …. Oooo… spacious… almost palatial…
“girl’s cough was especially bad, and it” similar on comma, can go either way, just like the pause personally.
“slightly lower frequency than all of the other sounds in the background.” “slightly lower frequency than the other nocturnal ambience.”
“carefully surveyed the darkness waiting” “carefully surveyed the darkness, waiting”
“All of this Hunter observed with interest.” “Hunter observed his actions with interest.”
behaviour vs. behavior. Wasn’t sure if you were consistently using UK spellings, just jumped out.
“Why would a wanted man take a Company contract, he wondered? More importantly, why would he take a contract that took him toward The Shadows and not away from them? It was an extraordinary risk.” First sentence is in italics, like he is thinking. Second isn’t. I’d expect them both to be or neither.
“was the reason Hunter was waiting until the last possible moment” “was the reason Hunter had waited until the last possible moment”
“Everything and everyone was exactly” “Everything and everyone were exactly”
“While moving into his assigned position to observe the camp, Autumn had stumbled across some suspicious spoor. The distraction hinted at something he thought impossible.”
“He knew that Hunter preferred he stick to” “He knew that Hunter preferred that he stick to” or “He knew Hunter preferred they follow their carefully laid plans”
“but this seemed important.” I’d avoid ‘wish-washy’ like words in this sort of context. Autumn sees something that should not be, something dangerous. He needs to check it out.
“eat his corpse” “eat the corpse”
“highly skilled with superior weapons” “highly skilled and armed superior weaponry”
“She prepped a second arrow in her bow hand, but knew she would not be able to loose it until the entire line of gnolls passed her.” This reads like she could loose the first one, but had to wait on the second. Just needs a minor edit.
“Loosing an arrow too soon would”
“Two heartbeats later, they reached the firelight and headed straight for the men rising from their bedrolls.” This is the part that was confusing me before. It gave me the impression that all twenty gnolls attacked the overseer and his deputies, and that none head to the tents.
“While Scout was lucky that this arrow managed to drop the gnoll it actually hit, she was unlucky in that the gnoll she missed turned around looking for an archer.”
“While Scout was lucky that her arrow managed to drop the second gnoll, it alerted the first, who turned around, looking for the sniper.”
“. Two gnolls who broke off from the campfire toward LT” Ok, two dead at campfire, two head towards LT and die. 15 at the campfire, 1 turned and focused on Scout. She kills it. Then his fellow tribesmen swarm the tents. Is this the 15 from the campfire redirecting to the tents?
“He immediately reloaded and loosed another.” “He immediately reloaded and fired another.” Primarily to avoid using loosed twice in two sentences.
Ok three from the other side, one is out of action. Other 2 engage LT
“The flanking gnoll was a two steps ahead of the leader charging LT with his sword above his head.”
“Scout took the bloody gnolls down one-by-one as they stepped out of the tents”
This gives me the impression that Scout kills all that are in the tents. But I am still not clear. Did some from the campfire break off to the tents and she killed them?
“The flanking gnoll was a two steps” “The flanking gnoll, two steps ahead of the leader, charged LT, sword raised above his head.”
“The children tried to run, but were chained together. Running was not an option.” I’d drop “Running was not an option.”
Ah armour. Maybe you are sticking to UK spelling.
Suggesting to split: “As the snarling beasts pivoted toward them, long grasses, grasping thistles, and thumb-thick saplings snaked up from beneath the soil entangling their legs, slithering through gaps in clothing and armour, wrapping their arms, curling around their throats like bark-armoured pythons.” Something like: “As the snarling beasts pivoted toward them, long grasses, grasping thistles, and thumb-thick saplings snaked up from beneath the soil. The flora entangled their legs, slithered through gaps in clothing and armour and wrapped their arms, curling around their throats like bark-armoured pythons.”
“battle—for the moment—was paused. ” “battle—for the moment—paused. ”
“and legs to ensure that none could break free.” “and legs to ensure all were firmly secured.”
“Hunter ignored him, completing the circle and walked back to the camp.”
“gnoll corpse to ensure they weren’t playing possum”
Awesome feedback. Thank you. I have adopted most of your suggestions. They are in the master draft for now and will appear during the next update.
As a Canadian, I often have a choice of spelling options. You will find these sorts of USA/UK inconsistencies throughout. Thank your for bringing them to my attention.
If you want to do line edits because that is what is most needed, I’m fine with that. Those have to be done at some point anyway. So I might as well do them now.
If you are going to be line editing, I should mention this to save you some time in the future.
I do know the difference between simple past tense and past continuous tense. Although I do make mistakes like everyone, my use of these tenses is typically intentional.
Perhaps I missed it but when did the chain around the everwood come loose so the children could run?
It never comes loose. I’m not sure what you mean.
Sorry! You wrote: “The children tried to run, but were chained together. Running was not an option. Some screamed, some cried, and some yanked desperately on their chains.”
The children trying to run but chained together implies to me that they are trying to run as a group. They can’t run at all because they are tied to a tree. I understand why you wrote it like this – an attempt to showcase the terror and chaos, but maybe it needs a bit more clarity? Or maybe it’s just me.
or maybe just a little edit – “…and some yanked desperately on the chain that tethered them to the tree.”
OK. I see it now. Thank you. Fixed in the master draft.
The flow and pace has really improved! I feel much more involved and want to read more. All the extra narrative pulls the reader into the story which means I am now emotionally invested. The chaos was palpable.
Thank you. Reader feedback makes everything stronger. I appreciate your input.
Hi Brent! Sorry it took me so long to get to this. I appreciate your patience. I’ve been sick, and then a crazy week at work got hold of me. I apologize. Diving in!
The time to hunt was near.
I believe this would make a banger of a first sentence in the chapter. It gives just the right amount of dread, and then maybe proceeding from the “The Devil’s Beard stirred from the activity of its nocturnal residents, the high rhythmic trill of crickets drowned out the rustling of small mammals and the calls of distant owls. …”
We have four paragraphs of just the setting at the beginning of the chapter. If this were one of the later chapters, I don’t think it would be a problem, but we just got introduced and hooked to your characters in chapter one. We are eager to get back to them. I suggest mixing up the setting description with the POV we are in earlier on: perhaps a sentence or two of the setting, then how it makes the person we are following feel, what they notice, etc.
Thanks to the little charade in front of the church earlier in the day, the stage was set for the final phase of Hunter’s plan.
It takes a long time before we realize it’s Hunter we are following, especially since we ended things in a different POV. Since your POV’s have been relatively short in the first chapter, I suggest grounding us earlier.
In the unlikely event that he managed to stay awake through his entire watch, Hunter and his team would move to a riskier Plan B and abduct their target the hard way.
We don’t know what plan A is, let alone plan B–maybe a bit less vagueness at this point would be useful, but that’s just my personal preference.
He could see the unhitched wagons near the road and the cluster of tents set up next to them. The campfire around which the deputies were arranged was close enough to provide light for those in the tents who might need to get up during the night. Yet it was set far enough away not to endanger them with wayward sparks.
More setting description
Hunter’s perch was in the strategic center of the camp. Not only could he see everything, he could hear everything as well. The snoring in the tents, the banter at the fire, the snorts and nickers of horses paddocked uncomfortably close to warring coyotes, the coughing children, and signals from his partners.
I understand he has super-human senses, but maybe we can get that information through so we can feel it too, instead of stating it. For example, his nostrils burned, or he fought the urge to cover his ears and save himself from the endless snoring. I imagine it’s not comfortable for him to be so overwhelmed by everything–maybe you could tap into that more.
Did Hunter notice this? Or is this omniscience POV?
Shoulda have done the three silver treatment, the overseer chastised himself. The cursive makes this sound like a thought.
When we see LT, it doesn’t feel like we see it from Hunter’s eyes. I checked to make sure we didn’t switch POVs.
It was his daughter… Maybe he recognized his daughter’s signal–Scout always used it to let him know she was awake…
Carefully surveyed the darkness, waiting for his eyes to adjust. When his eyes and ears convinced him that everything was as it should be, he moved stealthily to the slaves.
Is this Hunter’s interpretation or a fact?
This wrinkle—this unexpected behavior from a fugitive—was the reason Hunter was waiting until the last possible moment to pull the trigger on an abduction that should have happened days ago. Hunter knew LT was up to something, but he did not yet know what.
This paragraph and a few before it feel a bit too explanatory. That takes away from the immersiveness of the story. I think leaving something to the interpretation of the reader goes a long way and enables us to really connect with the character instead of just perfectly understanding everything he does in a rational and logical way.
Hunter was in a tree, which, to be honest, was where one would normally find him.
the ‘to be honest’ line is creating some narrative confusion for me, since I’m still not completely sure this is 3rd POV limited or something else.
‘Yet, there he was, staring at canine tracks far too large and far too deep to be anything else.’ A simple change like this grounds us more in his POV and his eyes. Just a suggestion
Gnolls were massive—towering, bipedal hyenas who outweigh large human men by nearly half. A single gnoll in close combat with a proficient human warrior will shred his opponent and then eat his corpse to celebrate. An elite human warrior, highly skilled with superior weapons, might…might prevail against a single gnoll in hand-to-hand combat. But a pack of gnolls with the advantages of surprise and darkness versus four armed deputies, a single coffle master, and a bunch of unarmed slaves…that would be a massacre.
This is a lot of worldbuilding for a single creature–I assume it’s going to be important for us to know how scary the creatures are, but I can’t help but wonder if this information could be scattered more throughout the chapter instead of being laid all at once for the reader’s convenience.
It did not help, in that moment, that the gnolls were immediately answered by the nearby coyotes, for the deputies—unfamiliar with gnolls—took no notice of it.
I’d rephrase this into something like ‘the similarity with coyote’s voices guaranteed the guards would pay them no mind’ or something like that, maybe have Autumn turn his head a few times, waiting for the reaction, and then realizing that they’d probably think it’s just coyotes–I believe that would do more for the overall atmosphere
Scout was stationed near the wagons, at the end of the camp opposite the war yelps, and realized that her position would soon be overrun.
This reads like Scout’s POV and I don’t think that was your intention–if we know internal processes of characters that means we are in their head–if this is Autumn’s POV, isn’t he too far away to see her? and if he isn’t can you show us how he sees her, through his eyes? Otherwise there’s no reason for POV breaks since it would mean it’s a narrator’s POV
Scout heard the first footfalls
same issue
Scout stepped into the deepest shadows, readied her bow, and nocked an arrow. She prepped a second arrow in her bow hand, but knew she would not be able to loose it until the entire line of gnolls passed her. Loosing the arrow too soon would give her position away and lead to a quick death. Best to wait until the line passed her and then pick them off from behind while they were silhouetted against the light fabric of the tents and illuminated by the campfire.
She also considered the people in the camp. She wanted to save them all but knew that even with the best efforts of the three elite individuals in her party, most were sure to die. Since that tragedy was unavoidable, she would do her best to save some of the children.
Scout counted nearly twenty gnolls. A few more, she knew, would attack from the other side of the camp. The watchman nearest her, hypnotized by the coyote sounds and unable to see in the dark, provided absolutely no warning to his comrades. The first gnoll took him from behind and ran him through with a machete. He fell to the ground clutching at his stomach, gurgling, trying to keep his insides inside.
in all three paragraphs we don’t have the slightest impression we are following Autumn now–if this is a multiple POV story, it’s extremely important to have not only distinctive character voices, but also to keep the reader immersed in the POV without headhopping
Mayhem ripped through the camp. His comrades at the campfire did what they could. Two gnolls fell, but it was not enough. The survivors were immediately gutted by the larger gnolls. The coffle master died first, cleaved by a machete from his right shoulder through to his left hip. In moments, the others disappeared in a mist of blood amongst a hail of blades and gnashing teeth.
I think you can do a better job with the atmosphere here–this is a horrific and scary scene where a lot of bloodshed happens, and it’s described well but it reads like a police report, very accurate and clinical, and I imagine that’s not what it would have looked like from LT’s eyes since he was there. It makes it seem like all your characters are completely fearless and rational, drawing only logical conclusions in every situation–that makes their voices harder to distinguish, and also takes away from their dimensionality.
Protecting the children was his only concern.
Why? Why does he care about the children? How does that make him feel that they are in danger? does he look around in panic for his own daughter? does his heart beat, is he sweating, is he surprised? Also, is this LT’s or Hunter’s chapter? The first sentence reads like LT’s but since LT isn’t aware of HUnter I assume it’s Hunter’s
LT could not see them in the dark, but Hunter could.
again, very confusing for the POV
Whoever this fugitive was, the Broken Chains taught him to fight
very interesting piece of lore–I wonder if we could get to this sooner
Stopping his sword overhead in house position, he blocked the leader’s downward strike, absorbed his power and rolled clear of a second strike that just whistled past his ear.
you do a great job of describing fight scenes, but I do feel like you could tighten them
The children tried to run, but their chains held them fast to the trunk of the tree. Some screamed, some cried, and some yanked desperately at their bonds. Several gnolls, having finished their battle with the deputies at the campfire, bolted past them to join the fight with their leader.
Now, this is your story–this is what we are here for: bounty hunters and their prey, that connect over a mutual goal, saving the kids. That’s hooky, it’s relatable, it makes us emotional and invested in the plot and the characters–I wish you’d lean more in that segment of the story
“Cavalry’s coming, yo,” Hunter said
I kinda imagine he’d shout in this situation
Scout came into range just as Autumn topped the hill and the gnolls closed the circle. She could not see Hunter behind the curtain of seven foot animals, but she knew where he had to be. She also recognized the druidic gestures that Autumn was making and understood what she needed to do. Two quick arrows sunk deep into their targets’ backs, creating an opening.
The ground at their feet shuddered. The soil began rippling like water. “Now!” Hunter shouted, grabbing LT and rolling through the opening.
LT felt something grasping at his boots,
a lot of POVs mixed
“Who the hell are you?” LT demanded.
this is what we have been waiting for
“Was?” Hunter asked. I think that would be unnecessary since he’s probably an adult, and the fact that he said ‘was’ would make most people draw that conclusion
“Naw, son,” Hunter replied. “You just night blind.”
this is a nice characterization. I’m finally starting to get a feel of him
“Oh, honey,” Autumn chuckled, shaking his head, “if he thought you were one of these guys…”
love this! I wish we had more moments like this
Overall, I think this chapter focused too much on technical descriptions and you left us hungry for interactions between the characters which is where your writing shines the most IMO. This is only the second chapter and to connect with the story, we first need to connect with the characters, but you make it difficult at times with the focus on the logistics and some POV unclarity. That is, of course, my personal taste, you probably notices my writing leans very literary, so I’m not the most objective on this subject but I’ve got a glimpse of your characters in chapter one and found myself wanting more of that through this chapter and less setting and arrows. Also, I feel like Scout could be only mentioned briefly through Hunter’s and Autumn’s POV, and that she gets a bit too much space in this chapter without contributing much to the story
PLease take only what resonates, and sorry again it took me so long to get to this. The last sentence made me really intrigued for what happens next and I’m very excited about the fact that they are now interacting with each other.
Hope at least some of this was helpful!
Best regards,
Kaelin
Hey Kaelin.
Thank you so much. I appreciate your feedback. I will take a look at all of these comments as well as comments from other critique partners and make adjustments to the master draft. When you are ready for another swap, please let me know.