Draft 1 – Updated 1 October 2025 (C008/D001)
Hunter left the old barn while it was dark. He had to pass the mills and the forge on the bank of the river where the men often drank whiskey until dawn. Alone, passing by unnoticed was a cinch, but having to do it with a horse complicated things. Scout and LT used the remaining time to walk their horses over—and over and over—evidence of what happened in Milton. As soon as it was light enough to see the surface of the road, LT mounted up and pointed his horse east.
“You’re not going to change?” Scout asked, from the far side of her own horse, causing him to pause.
He’d been wearing his uniform for so many weeks, it felt normal. But given all that had gone on over the past couple of days, she was right. The river men would notice a uniformed deputy riding away from the Shadows so close to the autumn moon. But they might not look closely at a traveler they didn’t recognize. So he changed his clothes while Scout muddied up some of the light spots on his horse. Then he started off again, planning to hook up with Hunter on the other side of town.
Scout stayed longer and continued working to cover up signs of the coffle’s presence. The burned out town site, although abandoned, was not entirely unused. Travelers camped in the barn from time to time. Trappers, hunters, gatherers, and scavengers used it too. So her goal was not to make it look like no one had been there, it was to make it difficult to tell exactly who had been there recently.
When that was accomplished to the best of her ability, Scout rode into Old Mill arriving at the butcher’s shop two fingers after sunrise. Nothing about this visit would seem out of the ordinary. Scout and Hunter could often be seen making early morning drops at the butcher’s shop.
“Maybe today. Probably tomorrow,” she said. “The autumn moon is a few days away. They can’t wait much longer.”
John and Amanda were gathering items and packing them into two saddle bags laid out on the counter in the front of the shop.
“Should we have lookouts?” Amanda asked. “In case they decide to surprise us?” She was folding a stack of clothing she’d brought down from the second floor. One by one, she was tucking socks, shirts, britches, and other essentials into the saddlebags while John packed food he was picking from the shelves and lifting from the hooks.
“You think I oughta bring some food for the other guys?” he asked, half to himself, calculating the number of meals he would eat, before grabbing a few extras and setting them next to his bag.
“That’s a good idea,” Scout replied to Amanda’s lookout proposal. “I’ll be taking supplies to the kids when you folks are sleeping,” Scout responded. “I’ll talk to her about that tonight.”
“Autumn?” Amanda Butcher asked quizzically. “The man with the handlebar moustache?”
Scout nodded.
Amanda was about to ask a followup question but Scout had already moved on. “Hunter said you had family in Milton,” she said gently to John, leaning into the counter next to the saddlebags.
The butcher’s mouth presed shut and his dark brow furrowed. “I lost my brother there.”
Scout thought of her mother and felt for a moment like the breath was being squeezed from her chest. “Can you talk about it?” she asked him in a low voice, her tone open to refusal. “It might help us plan.”
John had a small sack of dried rice in his hand. Grim-faced, he stepped up to the counter and set it down. Amanda looked heartbroken. She reached out, picked up the sack, and disappeared into the back.
“It happened right after the ceasefire was signed,” he said. “The Company rode in and demanded additional tribute. Said it was to help pay the cost of their war. Wanted two boys and two girls right then and there.”
“They had no right,” his wife called from the other room. “It wasn’t in the terms,” she added as she reentered with a blackened hanging pot in one hand and the bag of rice in the other. “But it was so soon after the ceasefire was signed that nobody’d had a chance to read it yet.”
“Wouldn’t have mattered,” John shook his head, as Amanda stuffed the bag into the pot, clamped on the lid, and slipped it into a saddlebag. “Milton refused.”
Scout felt their anguish. Giving up a child unseen at birth, before you’d held it, before knowing its gender, was heartbreaking. Many mothers in the valley had been through that since the ceasefire. But giving a child up after raising it for a few years? That was soul-crushing.
“There was a skirmish,” John continued. “Collier’s father was killed. Three of the deputies were injured. Then they left.”
“Collier?” Scout clarified. “That’s the wiry guy? The needle smoker?”
John nodded. “When the deputies left, everyone assumed the fight was over.
Amanda shook her head. “They shoulda known better.”
“A week later, they came back with forty men.”
Scout wondered why it took a week. One day up the mountain. One day to organize. One day back down. Why a week?
“They confiscated livestock. Arrested everyone in the village who might be useful in a fight. Busted up the forge. Emptied the fletchery. Torched the butcher’s shop.”
“And the rice silo,” Amanda reminded him.
Scout took mental notes. Her plans were forming even as they spoke.
“They gave the village the winter to come to their senses. Said they’d be back in the spring. Demanded their war tax plus two more children as a fine.”
John choked up then, momentarily unable to speak.
“Over the winter,” Amanda stepped in to give her husband some relief, “most of the townsfolk either starved or moved away.”
Scout didn’t blame them. No food. No weapons. No way to make either. How does a village of unarmed farmers fight professional killers?
“Nine families stayed to fight,” John regained his voice, “including my brother’s.”
She wondered how many had fled, but she had no doubts. Staying wouldn’t have made a difference. The Company has unlimited resources. Nine or ninety-nine. The result would be the same. And those who fled would have been hunted down anyway. Short of heading for the free lands, there was nowhere to go.
“Families who fled told stories.” Amanda teared up. “They talked about killing their own children.”
That would have made things worse for everyone else in the valley, Scout realized.
“They came back day after spring moon,” John’s eyes hardened. “It was a short fight. They took the children, crucified the rest, and burned what remained to the ground.”
“Milton was declared dead,” Amanda added. “Made into a monument. They left the crucified bodies hanging by the road as a warning.”
The couple were still for several heartbeats and then, as if they had never stopped, both resumed packing for John’s trip.
“That’s about it, I think,” John said. “Any of it useful?”
“Well,” Scout said, pondering their story, ”when something works for the Company they tend to do it again—”
“What about Southport?” Amanda was struck with a thought. “Same kind of thing happened there.”
Scout nodded. “The stories are similar. But this sounds more like business. There were no negotiations in Southport. That was…personal.”
Amanda stopped short, a hand deep inside one of the saddlebags. “My God,” she said, “They’re supposed to be on our side.”
Scout was taken aback by the comment. “They’ve done worse.”
“Worse?” Amanda scoffed. “People were crucified in Milton and burned alive in Southport. How could it be worse?”
Scout cleared her throat. Humans, she thought. “There was a time, not long ago,” she said calmly, struggling to keep accusation from creeping into her tone, “when there were no humans in this valley.”
John squinted, as if counting something. Amanda looked as if she might vomit.
Humans have short memories, Scout thought. Don’t blame them for a past they don’t remember. Stay in the present, she chastised herself.
Amanda and John continued packing in relative silence. A few questions were asked about this item or that. Decisions were made about what to take and what to leave behind. Hunter had not told John where they were going. The only instructions he had were to meet at Long Lake.
“Do you think they’ll figure out the children survived?” Amanda asked when they moved to the stable to help John tack up.
“I don’t think it matters,” Scout replied.” Neither does Hunter. That’s why he’s going for help.”
“Maybe this is a bad idea,” said John, throwing a blanket over his horse. “Maybe we should just turn them over.”
Scout felt every drop of sympathy drain from her body. His arms were up, atop the back of his horse. He was unarmed. The entire side of his neck was exposed.
“The governor lost an overseer and some deputies in the river camp,” Amanda reminded him. “He will demand compensation either way.
“But how is that our fault?” John’s arms dropped as he turned to face his wife.
“Someone has to pay,” Scout reminded him. “Old Mill is closest. He’ll take it from you.”
“OK,” the butcher said, pulling a pencil stub from his pocket, “but maybe we can lower the price a bit.” He turned to the top rail of the stall, as if to write on it. “The prices for the deputies and the prices for the children are separate,” he reasoned, waving the pencil in thought. “Combine them and the price is high. But separate them…”
Scout’s eyes narrowed into slits. Amanda shot her husband a warning glare.
John may not have understood the reason for the mood change, but he surely felt it because the pencil vanished and the subject quickly changed.
“What kind of help is Hunter bringing?” he asked, turning back to saddle his horse and waving away a fly.
Scout regarded John’s exposed neck for a very long time, wondering if he could be trusted, wondering if it might not be smarter to end this right now. Hunter would be disappointed because John was a useful partner. But he trusted her judgement. Right now, she was the one in the middle. If the plan needed adjustments, she had the authority to make them.
“He will bring the best help available,” she replied, deliberately vague. “We need to hold the fort until he gets back.”
“In that case, I guess we’re lucky.” Amanda smiled, signalling a desire to ease tensions. “The autumn moon is in a few days, so the Beard will be too dangerous to travel through.”
“They might risk a fast moving party of scouts for a few days yet,” John observed, “but you’re right…they won’t risk bringing forty men right now. The earliest they can bring numbers is next spring.”
“We have the winter to prepare.” Scout, too, made an effort to relax. We’re all friends here, she told herself. “We need a plan.”
“We have to be careful who we tell,” Amanda reminded everyone. “The Company has friends in Old Mill.”
Scout agreed. “Outside of the people we met with yesterday, nobody should know anything for now.”
“How do we explain you being here?” John asked Scout.
“Same as before,” she replied. “I’m recovering from an illness.”
“For six moons?” Amanda questioned that suggestion.
“I’ll recover quickly,” Scout clarified. “Then, I’ll do what everyone expects a hunter to do. I’ll hunt and sell meat to the butcher. I’ll spend my money at the fletchery. I will teach hunting skills to anybody who wants to learn.”
“You can work with the Fletchers again,” John suggested. “Their oldest is quite good now.”
The women nodded. Scout had stayed with them before. This was the cover story then as well.
“In the meantime, we need to supply the children and start dispersing caches in case we need to hide.”
“Where did you hide them?” John asked, casually.
“They’re in a safe place,” Scout responded, without looking at him.
“But…” John was thinking again. He reached into his pocket for his pencil. “If our plans change.”
“The children are free now,” Scout said, looking to Amanda for help with this stubbornly stupid man.
Amanda acknowledged her request with a single nod and moved up beside her husband.
“But…” John was puzzled. “What if…we…need them?”
Amanda held her hand out and John obeyed—closing his mouth and handing her the pencil. “They’re not property, John,” she told him. “They’re not ours to trade.”
Objective – clear. Travel and meet with Hunter on the other side of town. Get supplies and share the plan.
Obstacles – Whisky drinkers, torturous paths/ground, guards, John’s apparent untrustworthiness.
Another reference to Autumn… less subtle than before, which is why I probably saw it this time. Nice touch, and Amanda seemed as confused as I did the first time I came across it.
This chapter drops a few more crumbs. A brewing disharmony and trust issues are beginning to be highlighted. Scout isn’t sure she can trust John, and in her internal dialogue, we see her consider taking out a threat before it becomes a problem.
She keeps her thoughts to herself, but she will monitor the situation.
The dialogue is good. It creates world-building and memorable moments that are important to the narrative without becoming bogged down in lengthy backstory. Scout’s internal thoughts on the history of Milton create a likability; the audience, more than likely, would see things her way if they were in that situation. Her empathy is palpable.
This chapter reveals more about Scout, and I like that we have come to know her better.
Objectively, the chapter ticks the boxes—clear objectives from the first few paragraphs and obstacles that add drama and potential conflict. The plot is building, and more obstacles are emerging – distrust between partners. The chapter’s outcome is neutral, as it ends before we know whether they reach Hunter, but it reads well and builds further tensions.
Summary:
No major comments on flow. Some details (included). I like that we get to see a little of Scout, but I’d like to know her better, maybe a bit more of her inner thoughts and feelings, a bit of the ‘why does she care’ so much. There is the hint of her mother and the elves being driven out of the valley, and… that is mostly it. She wants to help the tads. Why?
Scout is a major character, not a protagonist. So you may not get to know her as well as you like.
Notes:
I did find the start a bit unexpected; the chapter’s name is Scout, but we start with Hunter.
Hunter left the old barn while it was dark. “still dark”? Or “in the pre-dawn darkness” Right now, I have no idea when he left; right after dark, midnight… Maybe it doesn’t matter, just seems like a place to expand a tiny bit.
Fixed. Thank you.
Alone, passing by unnoticed was a cinch, but having to do it with a horse complicated things. “but the horse made stealth more complicated”… not sure I like my suggested revision, but the current sentence just feels a bit awkward to me.
Noted. Thank you.
Then, in the same paragraph, we are off to Scout and LT. I think I have a suggestion here. First off, dump the ‘complicate stealth thing’ and just do this from Scout’s perspective. The chapter could simply start: ‘Hunter had left while it was still dark, while Scout and LT walked their horses over…” I think that would remove my initial confusion and also remove the need for a transition from Hunter to Scout.
You are more strictly guided by POV “rules” than I will be in this story. This story moves back and forth between Third Person Omniscient and Third Person close, depending on my needs as a storyteller.
‘ “You’re not going to change?” Scout asked,’ – You had alluded to LT and Scout having some sort of past interaction, with Scout trying to keep herself unrecognizable. Is she wearing a mask or bandana? Did she throw her voice?
Fixed. Thank you.
“Scout stayed longer and continued working to cover up signs of the coffle’s presence.” This might be too detailed, not sure if many would even notice, but I’d want there to be clear signs of the coffle to the River Camp, remains of a struggle there, and the gnolls’ obvious exit. Let the Company blame and chase them down. Not sure if the gnolls return, but they could be an interesting, if not complicated ally.
You may be confused about the location. This is in Milton, not the river camp.
“So her goal was not to make it look like no one had been there, it was to make it difficult to tell exactly who had been there recently.” I had to read this twice. It just doesn’t quite roll of the tongue. The ‘not’ is doing a bunch of heavy lifting (no surprise), but someone how it didn’t immediately jump out at me, which created confusion. Maybe something along the lines of: “Her goal wasn’t to hide all tracks, but to sow confusion.”
Fixed. Thank you.
When that was accomplished to the best of her ability, Scout rode into Old Mill arriving at the butcher’s shop two fingers after sunrise. Suggesting a comma after Old Mill. I like the two fingers, creates a clear image.
Fixed. Thank you.
Nothing about this visit would seem out of the ordinary. Scout and Hunter could often be seen making early morning drops at the butcher’s shop.
“She was folding a stack of clothing she’d brought down from the second floor.” The food and clothing make me think about them trying to hide the clean patches on the dusty shelves. If someone comes looking, would their bare shelves create suspicion?
Good idea. But not relevant.
“That’s a good idea,” Scout replied to Amanda’s lookout proposal. “I’ll be taking supplies to the kids when you folks are sleeping,” Scout responded. “I’ll talk to her about that tonight.”
I’d kill the Scout responded, she is already replying.
Fixed. Thank you.
“Autumn?” Amanda Butcher asked quizzically. “The man with the handlebar moustache?” Are male elves called ‘men’?
Yes.
The butcher’s mouth presed — pressed
Fixed. Thank you.
“She wondered how many had fled, but she had no doubts. Staying wouldn’t have made a difference.” I assume this should be a single sentence? ‘she had no doubts that staying…’
Noted. Thank you.
“They came back day after spring moon,” John’s eyes hardened. “It was a short fight. They took the children, crucified the rest, and burned what remained to the ground.” A bit surprised that they didn’t send their children away. Of course, the company would have gone to the next village.
Where would they go? The Company owns the whole colony.
Amanda stopped short, a hand deep inside one of the saddlebags. “My God,” she said, “They’re supposed to be on our side.” This interaction confuses me. Who is they, the company? If yes, it is confusing, since the company, up to this point has been the enemy, the people taking their children.
Keep reading.
Scout cleared her throat. Humans, she thought. “There was a time, not long ago,” she said calmly, struggling to keep accusation from creeping into her tone, “when there were no humans in this valley.” Maybe I haven’t understood. Or haven’t been meant to understand yet. Who fought who in the ‘war’. I assumed that John, Amanda and their like were against the company during the war. Were they on their side, just paying a ‘war tax’? If yes, then this post war slavery thing, which I gathered was worked into the signed ceasefire doesn’t make sense to me.
Keep reading.
“Hunter had not told John where they were going. The only instructions he had were to meet at Long Lake.” Hunter leads the previous sentence, so I immediately think ‘he’ is Hunter, but the sentence’s context resolves that. Maybe use John’s name for clarity.
Fixed. Thank you.
“I don’t think it matters,” Scout replied.” Neither does Hunter. That’s why he’s going for help.”
Fix the quote location: ‘replied.” Neither’
Fixed. Thank you.
The butcher’s reconsideration of the children’s fate is a bit surprising to me. Up until this point I had the impression he was a stalwart, only outshined by Amanda.
In genre fiction, characters tend to be stable. In literary fiction, characters are more dynamic. This is literary fiction.
“John may not have understood the reason for the mood change, but he surely felt it because the pencil vanished and the subject quickly changed.” I’d lean into ‘show’ here-“The air’s temperature dropped. John’s eyes shifted and the pencil vanished”
Fixed. Thank you.
“Hunter would be disappointed because John was a useful partner. But he trusted her judgement.”
I suggest reversing – John had been a useful partner and Hunter would be disappointed, but he trusted her judgement”
Fixed. Thank you.
“He will bring the best help available,” she replied, deliberately vague. “We need to hold the fort until he gets back.”
Thank you, Craig. I have added comments to your post.
“Scout stayed longer and continued working to cover up signs of the coffle’s presence.” This might be too detailed, not sure if many would even notice, but I’d want there to be clear signs of the coffle to the River Camp, remains of a struggle there, and the gnolls’ obvious exit. Let the Company blame and chase them down. Not sure if the gnolls return, but they could be an interesting, if not complicated ally.
You may be confused about the location. This is in Milton, not the river camp.
Nope, not confused, but I am assuming that when the company returns, they will return with trackers and they will care about what happened. If yes and yes, they will trace backwards, looking for obvious signs of the coffle, which passed through Milton on the way to the river camp. If I were Scout, i’d want those signs intact, including the battle with the gnolls and their subsequent removal of the bodies. Fingers pointing to the gnolls point away from the residents of Milton.
I got you now. Thank you for clarifying. The Company searchers will arrive in Ch. 11.
A few other replies make me think you are going somewhere but I am not following. the ‘keep reading’ comments, for example. Is that in reference to a later chapter? If it should be clear in this chapter, it wasn’t to me. You also mentioned that this was a colony owned by the company. Maybe I missed that in an earlier chapter. I honestly didn’t realize that.
Regarding stable vs. dynamic characters, I merely mean that I found that alteration abrupt, making it hard for me to believe/follow. If I am the only one who makes this assertion, maybe its just me.
Keep reading means that the issue will be clarified later in the story.
The is a 300,000 word serial. Three novels woven together.
I have lots of time to reveal the world. In these early chapters, I am getting the story started.
Complexity will develop over time.