Draft 16 – Updated 23 July 2025 (C001/D016)
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1 – The Last Coffle
From his current position, Hunter had a clear view of the town square. If things went sideways, his daughter, Scout, would take the deputy to his right. Autumn would take the boss. The rest were his to manage.
The slaves wore leather collars linked together by chains. Since they were children, this seemed unnecessary. But Hunter understood that two centuries of tradition created habits that were hard to break.
He opposed slavery. Always had. Most in the valley agreed with him. But it had been a part of their lives for so long it had become a habit. The slave tithe was awful. But war? That would be hard on everyone.
Not long ago, hunting coffles and freeing slaves was Hunter’s business. But those days were behind him. Now he was a bounty hunter. And — today — his team was in the final stages of grabbing a wanted man and cashing him in for gold.
Their target was one of the guards tending this coffle. Hunter’s objective was to snatch him from the slave train before it reached its destination. After that, their target would be safe in The Shadows and beyond Hunter’s reach. He had one day left.
Three weeks of patient observation had attuned Hunter to the coffle’s daily routine. This was its last stop. As it reached the intersection at the bottom of the hill, the train split into two parts. The lead segment turned and headed up the hill into town. The support wagons continued past Old Mill toward the river camp, out of range, where they would set up to spend the night. This cut their forces in half. It was the only time before sundown the coffle would be vulnerable.
The segment entering the town square consisted of the coffle master, four mounted deputies, three slave wagons, and a single wagon of support. As they neared the church, he watched three deputies fan out to stake out a perimeter. The fourth deputy, Hunter’s target, the young man with the black pinched-front hat, stayed with the coffle master.
Deputy Number One cantered his horse over to the butchery’s smokehouse. Hunter watched him circle his daughter and the butcher, who were trading at a table beside it. Deputy One was looking for red flags. The sight of weapons or armor would immediately sound an alarm. Unable to see what was hidden from his view, he backed off and took up a position nearby — hand on his weapon, ready to react.
Deputy Number Two walked his horse slowly past the hitching post in front of the butchery where Hunter was organizing the contents of his saddle bags. This deputy would not be concerned with his wooden bow and arrows. Nor, if he could see them, would his stone blades raise any concerns. Elf hunters troubled no one. They were traders, support staff who minded their own business, not threats.
Deputy Number Three assessed the group of dignitaries gathering on the steps of the church. Apparently satisfied, he too fell into position, ready to pounce at the first sign of trouble. Hunter was now free to concentrate on the transaction about to get underway.
The smith, a slave-owner himself, greeted the coffle master enthusiastically. The lanky and athletic town fletcher — one of Hunter’s allies — stood inconspicuously at the ready behind him. The wiry collier and the head-scarfed millwright wobbled slightly as they left the tavern to join the delegation.
The squeak of leather from the collier’s right shoe. The jingle of coins in the millwright’s pocket. Three barking dogs. The coughing child. The whispered words between his daughter and the butcher. The elf’s keen perception locked onto each sound individually. Where most elves were overwhelmed by the enormous variety of sounds in human environments, Hunter had learned to operate comfortably.
Amanda’s heavy footfalls behind him announced that she, too, was on her way. As the door to the butcher shop opened, the scent of blood swirled in the eddies. Exchanging a somber glance with her husband, she smoothed her dress, checked her hairpin, and inhaled deeply. Raising her double chin, she stepped off the boardwalk and marched across the square. Hunter understood how difficult this was for the Butchers.
*****
Coffle Master Lewis, knowing exactly what he was looking for, got straight to business. His boss, the governor, had very specific tastes and had equipped him with detailed sketches. Satisfying those desires was his highest priority.
The church door opened as the butcher’s plump wife reached the steps before it. The soft-spoken minister and his genial wife led the set-asides out and organized them from tallest to smallest. The coffle master scrutinized the line.
Young, pretty with high cheekbones, a diamond-shaped face, and a small, upturned nose. The treaty that paused the Slavers’ War made it illegal to enslave non-human races, including fiendlings. But there was nothing in the ceasefire about human slaves who looked like fiendlings, so the governor had learned to make due.
Beyond that, there was the commercial trade to consider. So he also had an eye out for merchandise that would move quickly in the slave markets. Ten-year-old boys. Nine-year-old girls. Healthy. Dark of hair with good teeth and clear skin.
“This one,” said Lewis, prying a girl’s mouth open and shoving a gloved thumb in to examine her teeth. “How old?”
“Nine-years, Captain Lewis,” replied the clergyman. “She is trained in kitchen service primarily. But can—”
“She’s thin as a bullwhip,” the coffle master interrupted, shoving the gagging child back into line. “Don’t we pay you to feed ‘em?”
“Yes, Captain Lewis,” replied the clergyman. “Governor Ducol is a most generous benefactor and the town provides more than enough food. But not all cows produce equal milk. At this age, some slaves grow tall before they grow thick.”
“Hmmmm,” said the slaver, pressing his lips together while looking up and down the line.
*****
Autumn, an eladrin elf, stepped into the stirrup and swung his leg over the saddle. If things went sideways, he would be in the middle of it. The coffle master himself wasn’t particularly dangerous, but his armed bodyguard would kill to protect him. He trusted that Hunter was a good shot. But for at least a few moments, it would be two on one and Autumn, unarmed, would be face to face with metal blades.
The small eladrin was much younger than Hunter. He had less experience with the bewildering noise of human settlements and was not at all a fan. How a species so practically deaf could accomplish so much absolutely baffled him. Individually, he had some sympathy for humans. Collectively, he found them offensive.
Always, with these people, there was something. Today… it was coughing. If they couldn’t hear it, they were impaired. If they were ignoring it, they were heartless. Children were uncommon amongst elves. That made them precious. Humans, by contrast, seemed to take their children for granted. From his perspective, they were always coughing, their noses were always running, and nobody seemed to care.
Autumn knew his assignment. He understood every detail of their plan. He knew that straying from the plan could be fatal, but he also knew that, as the man in the middle, the person in greatest danger, he had the power to make adjustments.
As his horse approached the group assembled on the steps of the church, the coffle master’s back was turned toward him. Their black-hatted bounty stood back-to-back with his master facing the square, as Autumn passed through. His team was expecting him to stop and address their bounty, but Autumn tweaked the plan.
*****
Black-hatted LT was Guard Number Four. His assignment was to guard the coffle master’s back. As much as he wanted to cut the man’s throat for what he was doing to these children, LT knew that would have to wait.
This moment required patience. Tomorrow night, he would be inside The Shadows. If he found what he expected to find, it might put an end to all of this. Then … he could think about settling scores.
LT saw the eladrin riding toward them from the livery. There were two more elves across the street. The woman seemed familiar. He felt like he had seen her in another town a while back. The guy reorganizing his saddlebags… who could tell? Elf hunters wore identical uniforms and they all wore their hair the same. They were so anonymous that distinguishing one from another was nearly impossible.
The elf riding toward him, however, was not a hunter. He was an eladrin elf, petite with red-orange hair tied up in a Celtic braid. His clothing was oddly feminine but he wore a ginger beard — neatly trimmed — beneath a thick handlebar moustache. He carried no obvious weapons and offered no hint of threat. As far as LT could see, he was just an elegant eladrin in a brown leather jacket under a burnt umber cape.
LT’s eyes followed him as he rode in their direction on a line that would see him pass a safe distance away. For a moment, the eladrin made eye contact. It seemed as if he was about to say something, but a cough from one of the girls in the slave wagon distracted him. The small man frowned slightly and his head tipped to one side. His eyes moved from LT to the girl. Angling his mount’s course deliberately, he approached the coffle wagon and stopped beside it.
This was a breach of protocol and everyone who saw it knew. Everything stopped — the clergyman, the councilors, the adult attendants. Everybody froze. Everybody held their breath. LT’s hand moved to his pommel. All eyes were on the ginger.
*****
Coffle Master Lewis, sensing the reaction of the people facing him, turned slowly to behold a small man with a large moustache sitting on an elven pony next to the lead wagon.
“Oh, honey,” the elf cooed into the wagon. “Are you feeling poorly?”
A collared little girl nodded her head as her eyes welled with tears.
The eladrin turned slightly in his saddle to face the hushed assembly. The black-hatted bodyguard stepped forward to intervene, but Lewis waved him off.
“Excuse me, sir,” said the ginger. “I’m afraid this child’s got the cough.”
The coffle master paused. There were so many ways to respond, but none of them seemed exactly right for this unusual moment.
“You’re an eladrin?” he asked.
“I am.”
“And you’re a healer?”
“Folks call me Autumn—” the elf said, smiling and extending a hand.
“I didn’t ask your name,” Lewis interrupted. “I asked if you’re a healer.”
“I am a healer, sir,” Autumn replied, withdrawing his hand and turning off his smile.
The coffle master paused, studying the ginger elf, wondering if this was a ploy. He searched Autumn’s eyes for any hint of a lie, but found none.
“This kind of cough spreads like wildfire,” Autumn volunteered. “If this child ain’t treated today, I promise you the rest’ll have it tomorrow.”
Lewis knew he was right. He shuddered at the thought of delivering slaves to The Shadows only to have them die a few days later.
“How much?” he asked.
“That depends,” said Autumn. “I can cure her proper. That’ll cost three silver and take half a day. Or… for one silver… I can give her some medicine. If it ain’t set in yet, it’ll stop it for a day or two. But if it’s already took hold… it won’t do much.”
The coffle master relaxed when he heard Autumn’s price. Medicine men in the haff-land performed an essential service, but none of them did it for free. Autumn, his instincts told him, was exactly what he seemed to be.
“I’ll give you ten for the bunch. You got enough for all of ‘em?” he asked.
The healer frowned as he counted and then nodded when he was done. “I believe I do, sir,” Autumn replied cheerfully, climbing down from his horse and reaching into his saddle bags.
His bodyguard’s frontier knife flashed from his sheath the moment the healer’s hand disappeared into the saddlebag. Oblivious to this development, the medicine man withdrew a canteen, a small bowl, and a burlap bundle. He set them both on the ground and then sat cross legged in front of them.
The guard hesitated, his long blade drawn, rooted in indecision while Lewis suppressed a smile. He hated this part of his job — traveling from town to town, playing a role, collecting tribute, placing children in bondage. It was a dreary way to pay his bills and put off his turn on the wheel.
But this was an amusing distraction. Until today, he had never met an autumn eladrin. And this one, his first, was at once fearless, oblivious, charming, and entertaining.
The tiny ginger counted out twelve holly leaves and placed them into his bowl. He then recited a short incantation to create a tiny flame, which he carefully placed amongst the leaves. In a few moments, they smoked and quickly turned to ash.
Reaching into a pocket inside his shirt, he withdrew a small pouch from which he poured a handful of dried blueberries into the ashes. From another pocket he produced a small wooden pestle which he used to crush the berries while reciting another incantation in a comical singsong language that nobody understood but everyone found funny.
“Keep an eye on the healer,” the master said to his bodyguard. Then he turned his back on the medicine show and finished his business with the clergyman and the council.
*****
Noticing for the first time that everyone was watching him, Autumn spoke to no one in particular: “Children don’t like the taste of ash” he said, wrinkling his nose. “It’s burnt and yucky. The blueberries make it taste better… and the color is pretty,” he added, looking up at the children in the wagon.
By the time the contents of the bowl were blended into a smooth paste, everyone had relaxed. LT’s knife had been returned to its sheath and the entire group was curious. All were quiet except the little girl with the green eyes; her raspy cough punctured the silence.
“Oh, honey, I’m sorry you’re feeling poorly. I’m going as fast as I can,” Autumn said as he began thinning the paste by pouring water from the canteen into the bowl and whisking it in with a pair of polished wooden sticks. A few heartbeats later, he was done. The sticks went back into a pocket in his jacket and out came a small wooden spoon.
“A little help, sir,” he said, extending a hand to LT.
*****
LT hesitated, uncertain, but extended his hand and pulled Autumn to his feet. As he rose, the small ginger smiled and said something LT did not understand.
“What?” he asked, trying to unclasp his hand. Autumn held firm to his grip, smiling and speaking an unfamiliar tongue.
LT yanked his hand to free it once, then twice. On the second pull, the healer let go causing him to stumble and nearly trip backward. The whole group, slaves, slavers, and onlooking townsfolk burst into laughter.
“Oh my goodness,” the healer exclaimed, placing his thin fingers on his upper chest. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. Please don’t laugh,” he begged the children.
LT recovered his balance and looked around feeling a rush of blood to his face and ears.
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. It’s an eladrin thing,” Autumn explained. “When someone extends a hand to help us up, we offer them a blessin. I know it’s weird. And it takes a bit longer than humans expect. So it catches y’all off guard. Please forgive me.”
“Sure,” said LT looking at his wet, berry-stained fingers briefly before wiping them off on his breeches. “No problem.”
When the giggling subsided, the eladrin administered the medicine. One by one, each of the children was given a single spoonful of the purple liquid. Last to be treated was the green-eyed girl who gulped down the remaining contents of the bowl.
The healer carefully rinsed the bowl out with his canteen before returning it and the burlap wrap to his saddle bag.
“That will be ten silver please, sir,” he said, turning back to the man with the whip.
*****
Moments later, four more set-asides, recently selected from the church in Old Mill, were absorbed into the coffle. And by the time the coffle train slithered out of town toward the river camp, the Autumn eladrin, the anonymous hunter, and his female companion were nowhere to be seen.
Character Analysis
1. Did you like the (main) character? Hunter is compelling but morally complex. He’s sympathetic because he opposes slavery and has a history of freeing slaves, yet he’s now working as a bounty hunter targeting someone in a slave coffle. This creates interesting tension – he’s not purely heroic, which makes him more realistic and intriguing.
2. Did you feel the (main) character’s personality come across? Yes, Hunter’s personality emerges clearly through his actions and observations. He’s methodical, experienced, and strategically minded. His keen elven perception and ability to operate in human environments despite sensory overwhelm shows adaptability. His understanding of the Butchers’ difficulty suggests empathy, even while he’s planning what appears to be a violent intervention.
Story Structure & Pacing
3. Was the situation relatable? While the fantasy slavery setting isn’t directly relatable, the underlying themes are – witnessing injustice, feeling conflicted about taking action, working within an imperfect system. Hunter’s position of opposing something morally wrong while being constrained by circumstances is very human.
4. Did you understand why the character did what they did every step of the way? Mostly yes. Hunter’s careful observation and planning make sense for a bounty hunter. However, his exact motivations could be clearer, here’s my questions after reading: why is he targeting this specific deputy? What’s his ultimate goal beyond the bounty?
5. Were there any parts of the story that felt rushed? The ending feels slightly rushed. Autumn’s healing scene is well-paced, but the transition from the medicine administration to “the coffle train slithered out of town” and everyone disappearing happens very quickly.
6. Were there any parts of the story that felt too slow? The detailed setup of deputy positions and town layout is thorough but occasionally feels heavy. Personally, I found using descriptions of “Deputy number one” as a missed opportunity to describe the characters in detail, which you could then use for creating nicknames.
Original: Deputy Number One cantered his horse over to the butchery’s smokehouse. Hunter watched him circle his daughter and the butcher, who were trading at a table beside it.
Revised: The scarred deputy cantered his horse over to the butchery’s smokehouse, a jagged white line running from his left temple to his jaw catching the afternoon light. Hunter watched Scarface circle his daughter and the butcher, who were trading at a table beside it.
Clarity & Believability
7. Was there anything in the story that you found confusing? The relationship between characters could be clearer initially. It takes time to understand that Hunter, Scout, and Autumn are working together. Also, LT’s role as both the target and someone apparently working against the slave system from within is confusing until the reveal.
8. Was there anything in the story that you didn’t find believable? Autumn’s healing performance is well-executed and believable within the fantasy context. The townspeople’s reactions and the coffle master’s decisions all feel authentic to the world you’ve created.
Overall Impact
9. How did you feel at the end? Intrigued but somewhat unsatisfied. The chapter builds tension effectively but ends abruptly without showing the resolution of the planned action. There’s a sense that something significant happened off-page, which is frustrating as a reader.
10. Who do you think would want to read a story like this? Readers who enjoy dark fantasy with moral complexity, stories that tackle serious themes like slavery and resistance, character-driven narratives with ensemble casts, fantasy worlds with detailed worldbuilding, stories where protagonists operate in morally gray areas.
Overall Assessment
This is a strong opening chapter that establishes a morally complex world and intriguing characters. The writing is sophisticated, with good attention to sensory details and character psychology. The main weaknesses are some initial confusion about relationships and motivations, and an ending that feels incomplete.
Thank you, Mikhail. Your feedback is always appreciated. Heeding it always makes the story better. I appreciate your time.
Second read through of chapter 1 after revisions:
First thing I noticed was the change in intro, which before I thought hinted at theme, or a philosophical bent towards the story. This jumps right into action, so I’m not expecting a commentary to be a primary aspect of the narrative.
I get a slightly different feel from LT. before I got the sense that he was doing this out of necessity essentially for a paycheck. Now I have a feeling he has a plan, a sheepdog in wolf’s clothing maybe?
There seems to be a little less omniscient narration, though I still notice it at the end.
There’s also a moment in Autumn’s second POV where LT’s name was used. This threw me off a little since before that he was referred to as the target, guard, deputy, from hunters pov. I think establishing them using his name prior to that, maybe as hunter is thinking of him first would be helpful in having it not feel like a momentary head hop.
If I remember correctly there’s a little less set up with the positioning of each deputy, which I think is the right move here.
Over all I think the changes were good, it felt a little smoother and quicker paced while maintaining the tone and vibe.
Great catch on Autumn using LT’s name. I have fixed that in the root copy. It will appear in draft 18.
You are right about 3PO. This is a multi-POV story. So scenes with teamwork will always have 3PO. Plus, it’s standard for epic fantasy to have 3PO moments.
Thanks again for your help. I love your feedback.
What can I do to reciprocate?