Draft 29- Updated 29 AUGUST 2026 (C004/D029)
LT, the youngest of the four deputies, stayed with the overseer. It was his job to watch the boss’ back.
Idiots!
It had taken less than three weeks to get this close to them. He wanted to use this trust, wanted to see the looks on their faces when he stepped up behind the overseer and cut his throat for laying hands on these children.
But LT knew he couldn’t do it now. This moment required patience. Tomorrow night, he would be inside the Shadows. If he found what he expected to find there, it might put an end to all of this. Then … he could think about settling scores.
LT saw the elf on the mountain pony entering the square. There were two more elves across the street. The woman, engaged with the butcher, seemed familiar. He felt like he had seen her in another town a while back. The elf reorganizing his saddlebags … who could tell? Elf hunters all dressed like hunters. And they all had that same woodlands skin tone. Telling one from another was nearly impossible.
The elf riding toward him, however, was not a hunter. He was an eladrin elf, petite with red-orange hair tied up in a healer’s braid. His clothing, particularly the burnt umber cape, was oddly feminine but he wore a ginger beard—neatly trimmed—beneath a thick handlebar moustache. He carried no obvious weapons and offered no hint of threat.
LT’s eyes followed the rider as his horse sauntered in their direction on a line that would see him pass a safe distance away. For a moment, the eladrin made eye contact. It seemed as if he was about to say something, but a cough from one of the girls in the slave wagon distracted him.
The small man frowned slightly and his head tipped to one side. His eyes moved from LT to the coughing girl. Angling his mount’s course deliberately, he approached the coffle wagon and stopped beside it.
This was a breach of protocol. Everyone who saw it knew it instantly. The clergyman, the councilors, all stopped talking. The adult attendants at the wagons froze in place. LT’s hand moved deliberately to his pommel.
On the one hand, I can really picture the scene; I understand and see it more and more. On the other hand, I’m struggling with the jumping POV that also happens to straight away tell the reader what is driving the particular character forward (I am sure there are other things hiding beneath the surface). Those parts stick out to me and pull me out of the story, and makes it feel instead more like a play.
Summary:
POV: LT
• Objective-Stated objective in the first sentence, watch his boss’ back. But we see, moving forward that LT has different and conflicting objectives. A personal one, and a bigger one.
• Obstacles-This works very well, he has conflicting objectives which are potentially obstacles to each other. And, of course, he is outnumbered by the rest of the coffle guards, which increases the difficulty of his personal objective.
• Outcome-unknown; one curious thing; he shows anger about them ‘laying hands’ on the children, but no thoughts approach freeing them. Instead, he is about settling scores.
• Is this scene moving the plot forward? Yes, we learn a bit about what LT is up to, which, we assume is what Hunter would like to know and has piqued his curiousity.
• Is this scene building the world? Slightly; he mentions another new term, Shadows. We know that not all humans support the slave trade. We get a visual of the elves, especially the eladrin. And we learn that inserting yourself into slave trade business isn’t normal.
• Is this scene demonstrating internal character? We get a taste of LT’s rage and disgust.
• Is this scene demonstrating external character change? No.
Notes:
Idiots! not sure that the exclamation point works here. We have no context yet.
He wanted to use this trust, wanted I get that echoing wanted is a style choice here, but I am thinking that a stronger word in the second slot would be tighter, he craved to see the look on their faces, salivated… dunno. Maybe over the top… to see the looks on their faces when he stepped up behind the overseer and cut thinking slit here. his throat …
But LT knew he couldn’t do it now. This moment required patience. Tomorrow night, he would be inside the Shadows. If he found what he expected to find there, it might put an end to all of this. Maybe expand ‘this’ a sentence or two. An potential opportunity to hint at how the slave trade works… Then … he could think about settling scores.
LT saw the elf on the mountain pony entering the square. There were two more elves across the street. The woman, engaged with the butcher, seemed familiar. He felt like he had seen her in another town a while back. an opportunity to describe her, just a tiny bit… that ribbon is what makes her seem familiar… whatever is iconic for her character down the road… The elf reorganizing his saddlebags … who could tell? Elf hunters all dressed like hunters. And they all had that same woodlands skin tone. Telling one from another was nearly impossible. This is good. This is what makes Hunter iconic. He is ordinary.
The elf riding toward him, however, was not a hunter. He was an eladrin elf, petite with red-orange hair tied up in a healer’s braid. His clothing, particularly the burnt umber cape, was oddly feminine but he wore a ginger beard—neatly trimmed—beneath a thick handlebar moustache. In contrast, we have a strong picture of Autumn
Angling his mount’s course deliberately, he approached the coffle wagon and stopped beside it.
This was a breach of protocol. Another thought. What if you tied this to his action instead of the reaction? …, he approached the coffle wagon and stopped beside it, breaching protocol. (next paragraph) The reaction was instant. The …