Draft 29 – Updated 29 AUGUST 2026 (C002/D029)
The coffle’s overseer, knowing exactly what he was looking for, got straight to business. His boss, the governor, had very specific tastes and had equipped him with detailed sketches. Satisfying those desires was the overseer’s highest priority.
As the butcher’s plump wife reached the steps before the church, the front doors swung open. The soft-spoken minister and his genial wife led the set-asides out and organized them from tallest to smallest. The coffle master scrutinized the line.
Young, pretty with high cheekbones, a diamond-shaped face, and a small, upturned nose. The treaty that paused the war made it illegal to enslave non-human races. But there was nothing in the ceasefire about human slaves who looked like fiendlings, so the governor had learned to make do.
Beyond that, there was the commercial trade to consider. So the overseer also had an eye out for merchandise that would move quickly in the slave markets. Ten-year-old boys. Nine-year-old girls. Healthy. Dark of hair with good teeth and clear skin.
“This one,” said the overseer, prying a girl’s mouth open and shoving a gloved thumb in to examine her teeth. “How old?”
“Nine-years, Master,” replied the clergyman. “She is trained in kitchen service primarily. But can—”
“She’s skinny as a quirt,” he interrupted, shoving the gagging child back into line. “Don’t we pay you to feed ‘em?”
“Our governor is a most generous benefactor,” the preacher bowed his head to demonstrate his gratitude. “And the town provides more than enough food to the orphanage. But not all cows produce equal milk, Overseer. At this age, some grow tall before they grow thick.”
“Hmmmm,” said the slaver, pressing his lips together while looking up and down the line, his hand resting on the whip at his waist. He could take four from each town. This was the last town.
What’s the POV of the whole story? If this part is supposed to come from Hunter, then he would not know about “His boss, the governor, had very specific tastes and had equipped him with detailed sketches. Satisfying those desires was the overseer’s highest priority.”
The question of how old the slave is; the para above it is listed already (how can anyone tell the age difference between ten and nine for the boys and girls, I’m not sure, unless the narrator knew this)
Not sure what is the point with the buthcer’s wife?
I truly liked the dialogue parts, and the descriptions between them; these have been the most vivid images to imagine so far.
Summary:
POV – The Overseer
• Objective-Get what the governor wants, slaves who match his specific tastes.
• Obstacles-Not much conflict here; the last bit provides a view of what might be an obstacle: He had a set of requirements to meet and he hasn’t met them. And this is his last chance.
• Outcome-Cutting the original chapter into small pieces has made this a bit thin. There is no clear outcome to me here. This reads as a tiny cliffhanger. How will react to the available goods? Is he going to rage?
• Is this scene moving the plot forward? Yes, have learned more about the slave trade.
• Is this scene building the world? Same as above, slave trade, a governor who has a particular taste, and an idea of ‘what sells’.
• Is this scene demonstrating internal character? Not really. Only thing we get is that the overseer is all business ness.
• Is this scene demonstrating external character change? No.
Notes:
As the butcher’s plump wife reached the steps before the church
,as? the front doors swung open.But there was nothing in the ceasefire about human slaves who looked like fiendlings, so the governor had learned to make do. Objective clarified/explained
Beyond that, there was the commercial trade to consider. Secondary Objective
He could take four from each town. This was the last town. I feel like there is an opportunity for a bit more. This tiny chapter is missing conflict. Last town, struggling to get what would make his boss happy…