Draft 2 – Updated 22 Sep 2025 (C007/D002)
The settled druids were gone from the Haffland. The wisest fled to the Free Lands when the purge began. The defiant had long since been reabsorbed into the soul of the forest. Only their groves remained. Abandoned, untended, unnoticed by the human habitants, they were protected now only by their seclusion.
Elora’s grove, to which Autumn and Scout were guiding the children, was located in a place that did not appear to be accessible to creatures other than birds or goats. To get to it, they had to travel west until they reached the river bank. From there, they followed the water higher as the channel narrowed, deepened, intensified, and roared down the mountain’s shoulder.
The route Autumn had chosen was the more difficult of two options. But since the other meant moving up the very road down which their pursuers would soon be travelling, it seemed the safest. Although with gnolls now confirmed in the region, safety was a relative term.
Coyotes, wary of large humanoids, were bold around children and might snatch them if hungry. But the threat of this common diurnal species was nothing compared to that of mountain lions who might hunt at any hour and who always targeted the smallest and most vulnerable in any group.
Bears, also common in the area, were of less concern to Scout. Confident that the sheer size of their group would warn bears away, Scout donned her back-facing hat and took up a position in the column’s rear.
“Why does your hat have eyes on the back?” asked the boy named Groomer.
Scout smiled softly. She recalled asking Hunter the same question when she was a child. She experienced again the squeeze in her guts provoked by his answer—the uneasy feeling of being followed, years of practice, looking over her shoulder, being alert to the unseen dangers lurking behind.
“Mountain lions attack from the rear,” she explained. “The eyes on the hat confuse them, give me a better chance of seeing them before they do.”
The child’s face paled. “Can’t you just look back and see them yourself?”
“Honestly?” Scout made firm eye contact with the boy; it was important that he believe what she was about to say. “Probably not.”
Groomer swallowed and looked nervously past her. Scout knew what he was thinking but—as a slave—dared not ask.
“Here,” she said, removing her hat and placing it on his head. “Wear this for me. Keep us safe.”
Groomer nodded, his color returning. “Do I still need to look back?”
“Always,” she replied. “ Keep your eyes scanning, moving from spot to spot. Keep your head moving. Even if you see nothing, what your eyes pass over should feel seen.”
She understood how frightening her words must be to his young ears. Her own survival lessons were still reasonably fresh. But she knew the value of applied fear and trusted it would one day save his life.
Scout also knew of Elora. Everybody in the Haffland knew stories about the druid doyen. However, few knew where to find her. Autumn knew because Autumn had trained with Elora.
They were looking for a crossing point, a path over the rushing waters of the Cold River. Autumn recalled two. The first, which required hopping from boulder to boulder upriver for a significant distance, was no longer there when they had arrived at that spot earlier in the day. Elora might have closed that door to keep out the purge, Autumn speculated. Or time may have altered the riverbed.
The second crossing, a third of a league further on, was also gone. At that point Scout began to wonder if the rumours were true. Maybe Elora was dead. Or maybe she, too, had fled to the Free Lands. Given the brutality of the Company’s genocide, it seemed unlikely to Scout that Elora’s grove would still be occupied. At best, it would be vacant and possibly useful as a temporary hiding place.
Eventually, as the sun drifted into gaps between the peaks and as the slope between the troop and the glacier turned to treeless, nearly-vertical stone, Autumn found a way. Here, they discovered a monstrous everwood partially toppled by erosion. Its roots clutched the river bank on one side while its forehead rested against a goat-studded slope on the other. Every part of this living giant was wet with spray from the falling water and the churning gorge below it.
Together, the scout and the druid assessed their discovery and calculated their chances. Crossing here was treacherous for an elf. For a human without tools and ropes, it was impossible. Even the goats had to watch their footing on the slippery slope near the chasm’s edge.
“Are you sure?” Scout was wary.
“I know this tree,” Autumn assured her, pointing through the swirling mists hiding its top. “And I know there’s a goat trail up there.”
“Can you do it?” Scout asked. “With the kids?”
“I think so,” Autumn assured her. “One at a time.”
“And if you slip?”
They both looked into the boiling cauldron of rock and water below.
“I have some rope,” Scout offered. “Not a lot. About twelve foot, maybe.”
Autumn looked puzzled.
“When Hunter trained me to canopy,” Scout explained, “he tied a rope around our waists. He went ahead and showed me where to put my hands and feet. He used the rope for backup.”
Autumn considered her proposal. “Seems like it might get tangled.”
“It did…sometimes,” Scout affirmed. “But…”
Autumn scanned the length of the tree. “I see a path.”—she pointed—“I’m going to check it out. They can eat while they rest,” she said, looking at the children.
The sun was going down but the moon was already up and would be nearly full this night. Clear skies signalled cold. Scout considered a fire to warm the children, but at this elevation it might be seen from the road below. Darkness would benefit predators, but it would not deter Autumn and it might be best for the children not to see what lay below as they climbed the wet tree to the goat trail.
After tying a rope around each of their waists, Autumn led Groomer up the first, disappearing behind a screen of everwood needles. Scout listened as the druid provided by step-by-step instructions and encouragement. It wasn’t very long though, before the sound of falling water swallowed up their voices and the troop was left wondering about their fate.
*****
Groomer slipped twice on the slippery wet bark. The first time, the rope went taut but held fast. Autumn pulled him to safety. The second time, a branch caught him. It was darker near the trunk than outside under the bright light of the moon, but there was enough dappled light sneaking through the branches to allow Autumn to teach the older children where to hold and where to step. Kitty and the youngest children were small enough to simply carry.
One by one, Autumn took the children from Scout and carefully conveyed them over the mist slicked body of the sleeping colossus. As the sky lightened ahead of the morning sun, the sheep and goats on the mountainside gathered curiously to watch the crossing and then scattered up the slope when the assembled party began to move at daybreak. After signalling her gratitude to the giant everwood, Autumn led the children along a familiar goat trail as it wound around the mountain’s north face before zigzagging back down to the opposite bank of the river they had just crossed.
As the crow flies, Elora’s grove was just three leagues from the abandoned barn in Milton and a little more than a league from the River Camp. It was wedged between the east bank of the river and the Beard on the broad shoulder of Skunk Mountain. Looking down on an oxbow, it was screened from the river’s main channel by a point bar stable enough to support seven mature everwoods.
Sheltered from the wind by a dense mixture of everwoods, oaks, and cedars, the grove featured a cavernous rock shelter—the remains of an ancient undercut riverbank—that offered protection from seasonal rains and periodic snowfall. It was toward this landmark that Autumn led the children as they ascended the slope past a long dormant megalith.
The fact that Elora was not present in her grove when they arrived was not entirely surprising to Autumn. While the grove had been a hive of druidic activity for decades, the systematic persecution of the druids that followed the war had been effective. Elora, one of the last settled druids in the Haffland, had not been seen for several years.
As a former student here, Autumn was familiar with the layout and all of Elora’s cardinal rules. So when the troop arrived in midafternoon, it did not take long to get settled. Some children brought coal to two fire pits in the rock shelter—the only place in the grove that fires were permitted. Others distributed the course blankets they had carried with them. Then they all sat down to rest and eat the last of the rations taken from the coffle wagons.
As he had done in the old barn in Milton, Autumn crumbled some dried holly into his left palm and then placed two tiny dried everwood twigs on top. He rubbed them all briskly between his palms while reciting a fun little song that sounded like a crackling fire. The children watched with fascination glowing on their faces. As the sound song ended the crumbled leaves and tinder sticks rained down igniting as they fell.
“Whoa!”
“How do you do that?” the children wanted to know.
“It’s nature magic,” Autumn replied.
“What’s that song you’re singing?”
“Does the song set the leaves on fire?”
“Can you teach me how to do that?
Autumn did his best to answer their questions. The song is a chant. You don’t have to sing a chant, but music helps me memorize the words. Yes I can teach you the song. No, you won’t be able to start a fire with the leaves and the song alone. You also need to have some nature magic. No, I can’t give you magic, but if you are given some I can teach you how to use it. We can talk about this more tomorrow. It’s time to get some rest.
“We can’t sleep here,” one of the boys objected.
“Why not?” Autumn asked, looking around for danger of some sort.
“There are no walls,” the boy explained.
Autumn looked around the rock shelter. “Yes there are,” he insisted. “There are walls there, there, there,” he said, pointing to various parts of the shelter. “That is the roof,” he said, pointing to the granite overhang. “And this,” he said, turning to face the open space,”…this…is our doorway,” he said, throwing his arms out wide.
The children laughed.
“That’s not a doorway.”
“Yes it is.”
“Then where is the door?” a wiry acorn-skinned boy asked, through giggles.
“Hmmm,” said Autumn, pausing to consider this question. “I know,” he said, pulling a variety of ingredients from his pockets and his hair while reciting a singsong chant. A moment later, he drew a short, straight line in the ground with his toe and dribbled the ingredients into the shallow scuff.
Instantly, as he stepped back, plants with long thorny spikes began growing up from the ground twisting, thickening, and curling back on each other. As soon as they reached a height just over Autumn’s head, the greenery began spreading side to side. In less than a minute, the formerly nonexistent wall of the rock shelter became an impassable wall of thorns — enclosing the wide-eyed, slack-jawed children.
“There,” said Autumn, “now y’all are as snug as a bug in a rug. You go to sleep now, you hear me? We’ll talk more in the morning.”
“But where are you going to sleep?” the acorn-skinned boy wanted to know.
“I’m not human, honey,” Autumn reminded him. “I don’t sleep like y’all. Now close your eyes. Tomorrow’s gonna be a busy day.”
“But since the other meant moving up the very road down which their pursuers would soon be travelling, it seemed the safest.” This might have been intentional, but the wording threw me, and I had to think about it for a second.
I wonder if shuffling the words to “But since the other meant moving up the very road which their persuers would soon be travelling down, it seemed the safest.” might be better?? But you are the author and know best how you want your manuscript to reach its readers. And like the “might could” conundrum… I’ll leave it with you lol!
Also, “turned to treeless” could just be “turned treeless”.
“the druid provided by step-by-step instructions” could be written “provided step-by-step instructions”.
I always thought Autumn was male, but here you say… “Autumn scanned the length of the tree. “I see a path,” the druid said. “I’m going to check it out. They can eat while they rest,” she said, looking at the children.” (is this Scout speaking or Autumn?)
But here you say, “As he had done in the old barn in Milton, Autumn crumbled some dried holly into his left palm and then placed two tiny dried everwood twigs on top. He rubbed them all briskly between his palms while reciting a fun little song that sounded like a crackling fire.” Just an observation.
I liked this chapter. The objective was to get the children to safety. The obstacles were determining which path would allow them to cross the river. Autumn found a way across with help from Scout.
The children were safe and ready to sleep by the end of the chapter, so this is a win.
This chapter left me feeling good. The children, whom the reader instantly connects with because they are young and have been ensalved, and we want them to be free, are free in a sense here. They have been taken to safety, and we feel there will be nothing to stop their freedom.
The narrative builds, and the reader begins to ask more questions. Who is Elora? She is important to Autumn, and we sense she may become more prominent later in the story, given the caution over her absence.
A nice chapter which sets up the next part of the narrative. I enjoyed this.
“But since the other meant moving up the very road down which their pursuers would soon be travelling, it seemed the safest.” This might have been intentional, but the wording threw me, and I had to think about it for a second.
I wonder if shuffling the words to “But since the other meant moving up the very road which their persuers would soon be travelling down, it seemed the safest.” might be better?? But you are the author and know best how you want your manuscript to reach its readers. And like the “might could” conundrum… I’ll leave it with you lol!
I agree 100 per cent. Thank you.
Also, “turned to treeless” could just be “turned treeless”.
That would make sense if the supporting clause, after the adjective, was not there. I.e. “…the slope…turned to treeless, nearly-vertical stone…” But I see the problem. That sentence contains THREE independent clauses. So I should simplify it.
“the druid provided by step-by-step instructions” could be written “provided step-by-step instructions”.
Yes. I agree. Thank you.
I always thought Autumn was male, but here you say… “Autumn scanned the length of the tree. “I see a path,” the druid said. “I’m going to check it out. They can eat while they rest,” she said, looking at the children.” (is this Scout speaking or Autumn?)
This has happened at least twice already. It is a breadcrumb to a puzzle that will be resolved in Chapter 16. As we get closer to that chapter, it will become more obvious. This is a puzzle for attentive readers, most of whom will figure it out out before the reveal. When it is revealed, they will be rewarded for their attentiveness.
But here you say, “As he had done in the old barn in Milton, Autumn crumbled some dried holly into his left palm and then placed two tiny dried everwood twigs on top. He rubbed them all briskly between his palms while reciting a fun little song that sounded like a crackling fire.” Just an observation.
Correct. Keep looking and you will find more inconsistencies. Then consider perspective. That provides a solution.
I liked this chapter. The objective was to get the children to safety. The obstacles were determining which path would allow them to cross the river. Autumn found a way across with help from Scout.
The children were safe and ready to sleep by the end of the chapter, so this is a win.
This chapter left me feeling good. The children, whom the reader instantly connects with because they are young and have been ensalved, and we want them to be free, are free in a sense here. They have been taken to safety, and we feel there will be nothing to stop their freedom.
The narrative builds, and the reader begins to ask more questions. Who is Elora? She is important to Autumn, and we sense she may become more prominent later in the story, given the caution over her absence.
A nice chapter which sets up the next part of the narrative. I enjoyed this.
Thank you. As always, I appreciate your feedback.
Summary:
No major comments on the flow or objective and its progress. I do think you are missing out on an opportunity for more interaction between Autumn and Scout and the children, developing their characters. Scout flat disappears once they get to the gorge. Even if she is ‘stand offish’ towards the children as they interact with Autumn, that would tell us something. I also feel like we are jumping quite a bit between Scout and Autumn’s PoV in the early part of the chapter.
Notes:
“To get to it, they had to travel west until they reached the river bank. From there, they followed the water higher as the channel narrowed, deepened, intensified, and roared down the mountain’s shoulder.
The route Autumn had chosen was the more difficult of two options.”
This confused me; I didn’t detect multiple paths, just each the river and follow it.
“She experienced again the squeeze in her guts provoked by his answer—the uneasy feeling of being followed, years of practice, looking over her shoulder, being alert to the unseen dangers lurking behind.” It feels like you are mixing her memory of Hunter’s answer and her reaction to it with a set of actions and experiences that happened in response to it. It strikes me as two separate topics that may read better separated. The em-dash especially gives me the initial impression that I am going be hearing about her reaction at that time, as a child, to Hunter’s answer.
“Mountain lions attack from the rear,” she explained. “The eyes on the hat confuse them, give me a better chance of seeing them before they do.”
Unsure how the eyes on her hat would give her a chance of seeing them before they see her.
“Always,” she replied. “ Keep your eyes scanning…” extra space after open quote
Scout also knew of Elora. Suggesting to look at this transition. We go from talking about wildlife and the child’s fear and education to Elora.
Autumn recalled two. We switching perspectives here?
The second crossing, a third of a league further on, was also gone. At that point Scout began to wonder if the rumours were true. Back to Scout’s perspective?
At best, it would be vacant and possibly useful as a temporary hiding place. Suggest dropping possibly since you started the sentence with ‘At best’.
They both looked into the boiling cauldron… down at?
Autumn considered her proposal. “Seems like it might get tangled.” We were back in Scout’s perspective, but instead of describing Autumn’s reaction to her proposal, Autumn considers it, which gives me the impression that we have switched again.
Autumn scanned the length of the tree. “I see a path.”—she pointed—“I’m going to check it out. They can eat while they rest,” she said, looking at the children.
Ok, now I am struggling; we have been switching perspectives, and I think we are in Autumn’s now, but ‘she’ is pointing. I know that Scout is a she. I know that Autumn has been listed as a he but has mannerisms that aren’t typically male, which I had attributed to his race. Basically, I don’t know who is pointing and talking.
The sun was going down but the moon was already up and would be nearly full this night.
Maybe switch these; the evening’s full moon replaced the fading sun’s light…
After tying a rope around each of their waists, … Not sure how 12 feet of rope is going to be enough to tie around each child’s waist.
Scout listened as the druid provided by step-by-step instructions and encouragement. – remove ‘by’
It wasn’t very long though, before the sound of falling water swallowed up their voices and the troop was left wondering about their fate.
I’d kill the ‘though’ at least. Soon the sound of falling swallowed their voices, leaving the troop wondering…
It was darker near the trunk than outside under the bright light of the moon… Outside? Is the tree hollow? Oh, the tree is newly felled or still alive, so the branches and greenery near the trunk end obscure the light. The word ‘outside’ threw me. Darker amongst the thick branches near the trunk than near the tree’s crown…
As the sky lightened ahead of the morning sun – so the process of getting the tads across took all night? The sun was fading when they started. I’d almost want to hear a bit more about the process of crossing this gorge, especially if the going is so slow. The kids must be extremely tired after being up all night, some scared witless from the sound of the rushing water, the misty water making them shiver…
After signalling her gratitude to the giant everwood, Autumn led the children along – ok, in Autumn’s perspective
As the crow flies, Elora’s grove was just three leagues from the abandoned barn in Milton and a little more than a league from the River Camp. It was wedged between the east bank of the river and the Beard on the broad shoulder of Skunk Mountain. Looking down on an oxbow, it was screened from the river’s main channel by a point bar stable enough to support seven mature everwoods.
“long dormant megalith.” A bit confused by the use of ‘dormant’ here.
The fact that Elora was not present in her grove when they arrived was not entirely surprising to Autumn. – Autumn was not surprised by Elora’s absence.
“and tinder sticks rained down igniting as they fell.” I think a comma after ‘down’ improves how the sentence reads.
Autumn did his best … time to get some rest. – I think making this section interactive would improve it. The tads could be very inquisitive, almost interrupting his answers and each other as they plied Autumn with questions and absorbing the patient responses.