Draft 6 – 22 September 2025 (C003/D006)
Autumn was distracted. While moving into his assigned position to observe the camp, he had stumbled across some suspicious spoor. It hinted at something that did not seem possible. Gnolls—vicious wolf-like warriors at war with every species around them—were no longer present on this side of the bay. Yet…here were canine tracks far too large and far too deep to be anything else.
He knew that Hunter preferred he stick to their carefully laid plans, but this seemed important. Gnolls were massive—towering, bipedal hyenas who outweigh large human men by nearly half. A single gnoll in close combat with a proficient human warrior will shred his opponent and then eat his corpse to celebrate. An elite human warrior, highly skilled with superior weapons, might…might prevail against a single gnoll. But a pack of gnolls with the advantages of surprise and darkness versus four armed deputies, a single coffle master, and a bunch of unarmed slaves…that would be a massacre.
In order to assess this unanticipated threat, Autumn needed to know what and how many. The tracks he followed took him away from camp. Out of sheer bad luck, he was a considerable distance away on the riverbank when the first war cry reached his ears.
It did not help, in that moment, that the gnolls were immediately answered by nearby coyotes. Coyote cries were as common after dark in this valley as the calls of owls and the barking of farm dogs. So the occupants of the camp took no immediate notice of them.
Hunter, Scout and Autumn, however, were not fooled. Having grown up across the bay in The Wood, where gnolls were common, they understood the danger. They heard the war cry and immediately grasped its implications. The cries would draw attention to one side of the camp, but the attack would begin on the other.
Scout was stationed at the end of the camp opposite the war cry and realized that her position would soon be overwhelmed. Hunter, overhead in an everwood, was near the center of camp, too far from Scout to prevent the attack from starting.
Moments later, Scout heard the first footfalls of the gnolls entering the meadow from the place where the road to The Shadows entered The Beard. They were charging through the meadow along the tree line. A glance at the adult slave posted nearest her position showed he was alert. Unfortunately, he was looking back toward camp and the yipping of nearby coyotes was enough to drown out the sound of the charging warriors.
Scout stepped into the deepest shadows, readied her bow, and nocked an arrow. She prepped a second arrow in her bow hand, but knew she would not be able to fire until all of the gnolls passed her. Firing too soon would give her position away and lead to a quick death. Best to wait until the pack passed her and then pick them off from behind while they were silhouetted by the campfire.
She also considered the people in the camp. Even with the best efforts of the three in her party, most were sure to die. Since that tragedy was unavoidable, she would sacrifice the adults and do her best to save some of the children.
Scout counted nearly twenty gnolls. A few more, she knew, would attack from the other side of the camp. The watchman nearest her, hypnotized by the coyote sounds and unable to see in the dark, provided absolutely no warning to his comrades. The first gnoll took him from behind and ran him through with a machete. He fell to the ground clutching at his stomach, gurgling, trying to keep his insides inside.
Two heartbeats later, gnolls burst into the firelight and headed straight for the men rising from their bedrolls. One deputy broke ranks and bolted toward the river without stopping to draw a weapon. The others jumped to their feet, slid their long knives from their scabbards, and absorbed the attack.
As the last gnoll passed by her hidden position into the camp, Scout stepped out from the treeline and loosed an arrow aimed at his back. Unexpectedly, the gnoll immediately in front of her target stumbled. So her target was forced to take a quick step to the left. This caused Scout’s arrow to miss the trailing gnoll and strike the gnoll in front of him.
While Scout was lucky that this arrow managed to drop the gnoll it actually hit, she was unlucky in that the gnoll she missed turned around looking for an archer. Immediately drawing her bowstring, she stood as still as possible hoping to avoid detection.
At the other end of the camp, LT became aware of the gnolls as they reached the campfire. He drew his long, curved, single edged sword and was about to join the battle at the fire when a shout from overhead—“Look to the tads!”—locked him in place, defending the coffle.
Mayhem ripped through the camp. His comrades at the campfire did what they could. Two gnolls fell, but it was not enough. The survivors were immediately gutted by the larger gnolls. Coffle Master Wilson died first, cleaved by a machete from his right shoulder through to his left hip. The others crumpled beneath a hail of blades and gnashing teeth a few moments later.
Hunter knew the camp was lost. Protecting the children was his only concern. Two gnolls who broke off from the campfire toward LT were immediately taken down by arrows—one in the neck, one in the groin. The last of these two stumbled into LT’s feet clutching at his crotch and was dispatched by a single slash of his sword.
The lone human deserter fleeing the battle was quickly overtaken by a pursuing gnoll. Hunter fired two arrows into the melee hoping to hit the gnoll with both. Unfortunately for the cowardly deputy, the first arrow found a gap in his leather armor and pierced a kidney. He dropped where he stood and started crawling for the river on his hands and knees. The second, punctured the gnoll’s neck, severed his spine, and protruded from his throat. He expired gurgling on the ground close behind the injured deputy.
The gnoll looking for Scout quickly spotted her. As recognition sparked in his eyes, an arrow flashed toward him. His iron helm saved his life but the intensity of the blow knocked him back and watered his eyes. He never saw the second arrow, the one that ended his life. Nevertheless, his awkward death helped his fellow tribesmen by buying a few precious seconds, allowing them to swarm the tents.
The attack from the opposite side of the camp began just as they arrived. The gnoll leader, flanked by two of his largest fighters, emerged from The Devil’s Beard and charged along the tree line. LT could not see them in the dark, but Hunter could.
The distance was long, the target was moving, and leaves from an adjacent oak were partially blocking his view. Hunter aimed for the center of mass and loosed an arrow through a gap in the foliage. He immediately reloaded and loosed another. The first arrow pierced a gnoll in the side of his lower belly and stopped him, grunting, in his tracks. The second arrow struck the leader’s shoulder cap with an audible chink and ricocheted into the darkness.
LT heard the pounding footsteps and turned to see the gnolls coming. Positioning his two-handed sword low in near ward position, LT planted his feet and prepared for the coming rush. Hunter recognized the stance. Whoever this fugitive was, the Granite Brotherhood taught him to fight.
Cries of horror from inside the tents were quickly silenced. Scout took the bloody gnolls down one by one as they stepped back into the firelight. With everyone now dead at her end, she dashed through the camp toward Hunter.
Autumn topped the slope at a full sprint just in time to see the leader and a flanking gnoll close with their black-hatted bounty. The flanking gnoll was half a step ahead of the leader charging LT with his sword above his head. As he stepped in close, LT shifted his weight, lifted his sword, gutted the gnoll and stepped past the collapsing corpse. Stopping his sword overhead in house position, he blocked the leader’s downward strike, absorbed his power and rolled clear of a second strike that just whistled past his ear.
The children were terrified. Their first instinct was to run, but since they were chained together, running was not an option. Instead, some screamed while others cried. Several gnolls finished their battle at the campfire and bolted to join the fight with their leader.
Knowing what must be done to end the battle, Hunter scanned for Autumn and spotted him cresting the hill. He slung his bow across his back, drew his staff, and jumped down from his perch hoping Autumn would see him in the open. He pointed at the charging leader with his staff and slid into position back-to-back with LT. The gnolls closed a circle around them.
“Cavalry’s coming, yo,” Hunter said over his shoulder, parrying an attack from a gnoll. “Get ready to roll.”
“What?” exclaimed LT, shocked to have help, but having no idea what the stranger meant.
“We gonna roll out,” Hunter shouted over the growls and howls of the attacking gnolls. “Watch for a spot.”
Scout arrived just as Autumn topped the hill and the gnolls closed the circle. She could not see Hunter behind the curtain of seven foot animals, but she knew where he had to be. She also recognized the magical gestures that Autumn was making and understood what she needed to do. Two quick arrows sunk deep into their targets’ backs creating an opening.
The ground at their feet shuddered. The soil began rippling like water. “Now!” Hunter shouted, grabbing LT and rolling through the opening.
LT felt something grasping at his boots, but they rolled free and came up in house position, weapons held high ready to block an attack. As the snarling beasts pivoted toward them, long grasses, grasping thistles, and thumb-thick saplings snaked up from beneath the soil entangling their legs, slithering through gaps in clothing and armour, wrapping their arms, curling around their throats like bark-armoured pythons. Two fell and were immediately overcome by the coiling vegetation.
One broke free, stumbled during his escape, and dropped to his knees at the feet of LT and Hunter. With a quick downward swipe, LT removed his head. A second broke free and took an arrow to the brain from Scout. Moments later, all remaining gnolls were immobilized and the battle—for the moment—was paused.
Hunter lowered his staff. LT pivoted to face him while maintaining his defensive posture.
“Who the hell are you?” LT demanded.
Hunter circled the entangled pack, carefully examining arms and legs to ensure that none could break free.
“Who the hell are you?” LT repeated.
Hunter ignored him, completing the circle and walking back toward the camp.
“Stop.” LT ordered as he sheathed his sword and followed the elf. “Where are you going?”
Autumn went to the children. Scout wrapped a kerchief over her face before checking every gnoll corpse to make sure they weren’t playing possum. She also began the process of retrieving every arrow loosed—broken or unbroken.
Hunter stopped first over the coffle master’s dead body. He searched it, took a key from one pocket and some folded papers from another. Shaking the blood from the papers, he tossed the key to Autumn as he walked past on his way to the treeline. The papers were folded and stuffed inside his tunic.
“Take the chains off the tads. Replace them with corpses.”
Autumn nodded.
“The gnolls gotta break the chain when they haul them away.”
“I get it,” Autumn replied.
“I’ll answer your questions,” Hunter said to LT, stopping to examine the ground at the spot where he had put an arrow into a slaver’s kidney. “But first you’re gonna answer mine.”
“Depends on the question,” LT replied, squaring up his chest and putting his hand on the pommel of his sword.
Hunter scoffed, shook his head, and squatted down for a closer look at the ground. “What’s LT stand for?” he asked, following a blood trail across the meadow in the general direction of the river.
“It’s my name.”
Hunter looked at him skeptically.
“It’s my nickname. Stands for Little Tanner,” he volunteered. “My dad’s name was Tanner. I’m Little Tanner.”
“Was?” Hunter asked.
“He passed.”
Hunter paused for a moment to consider whether or not LT was being sincere. “Sorry to hear that,” he offered before turning and following the blood trail down the hill.
LT tagged along. “It was five years ago…You were in the tree,” he blurted, in a moment of recognition. “And you three…I saw you in town.”
Hunter stopped halfway down the hill, gazing at the ribbon of river reflecting the moonlight.
“What are you looking for?” LT wondered aloud, searching the darkness.
“Blood trail.” Hunter pointed to the ground, tracing a line with his finger. “Leads to the water.”
“What…how the…It’s pitch friken black out here,” LT exclaimed.
“Naw, son,” Hunter replied. “You just night blind.”
“So there’s a guy in the water?” LT asked, half drawing his sword.
“Most likely,” said Hunter before turning and walking back toward the camp.
As Hunter strode up the hill, LT followed along in silence, gathering his thoughts, trying to make sense of it all.
Approaching the camp, Hunter saw the shivering children in their filthy blankets gathered around the fire. Scout and Autumn were dragging corpses to the slave chain and affixing collars to their necks. The lower half of the coffle master was dumped next to his upper.
“Find some water in those wagons and give those tads a drink,” Hunter instructed LT.
Hunter turned and walked toward the entangled pack of gnolls.
“You understand that I’m a deputy, right?” LT called after Hunter. “Those kids are the property of The Shadows.”
Hunter kept walking.
“Oh, honey,” Autumn chuckled, shaking his head, “if he thought you were one of these guys…”
Chapter 2 was very short, so reading chp 3. Overall thoughts:
Very fast paced.
Very visual. What did this sound like? What did it smell like? This was brutal, engage all our senses. What do gnoll warcries sound like to a half asleep deputy or warden? What do their screams sound like while their blood leaks from arrow holes? Did the coward deputy empty his bowels? You could really turn up the realism (if you wish, not sure the subgenre here…)
Notes:
Trying to imagine this:
“They were charging through the meadow along the tree line.”
When I see ‘through the meadow’ I imagine open, grassy ground. ‘along the tree line.’ makes me think of the meadow’s edge. Now I am wondering, are they running in a rough line instead of a wave? I suppose the later section where Scout waits for them all to pass and attempts to shoot the last one in the back supports this image. Just seems a bit illogical to me. I am making an assumption, of course, that gnolls are bloodthirsty and eager to hit the camp. I would expect them more in a group.
Dem be some loud and numerous coyotes.
Feels a bit awkward to me: “As the last gnoll passed by her hidden position into the camp,”
Maybe, “After the last gnoll passed her hidden position,”
I find reading the sentence starting with ‘So’ a bit awkward. I think you could either drop the ‘so’, or combine the two sentences.
“stumbled. So her target”
“Immediately drawing her bowstring, she stood as still as possible hoping to avoid detection.”
Not sure I’d change it, but drawing her bowstring isn’t standing as still as possible. Maybe, “After quickly drawing her bowstring, she stood…”
A scene break might make sense after this and before “At the other end of the camp,”
We switch perspectives, area in the battle, and a scene break, I think, adds to the suspense. Is Scout ok? Did she manage to hide?
“Long, curved, single edged sword” You called it a katana before. I’d lean into the two-handed grip, the open shoulder width stance typically assumed, sword in front.
I’d flip this:
“The others crumpled beneath a hail of blades and gnashing teeth a few moments later.”
“In moments, the others disappeared in a mist of blood amongst a hail of blades and gnashing teeth.”
“by a single slash of his sword.” Downward chop or slash?
I am mixed on the deserter paragraph. Would Hunter take a timeout from over a dozen gnolls murdering sleeping slaves in tents to try to kill a gnoll chasing a coward who was supposed to protect them? You could always move the paragraph down a bit. Side note-would any of the gnolls be distracted by all the corpses? The might be very hungry and would enjoy a quick snack. Their leader hasn’t arrived yet.
Suggestion: “Nevertheless, his awkward death helped his fellow tribesmen by buying a few precious seconds, allowing them to swarm the tents.”
To: “Nevertheless, his awkward death bought his fellow tribesmen precious seconds, allowing them to swarm the tents.”
“The attack from the opposite side of the camp began just as they arrived.”
Just as they arrived at the camp? Just as they swarmed the tents?
Maybe something like: “Screams from the slave tents heralded the arrival of the gnoll leader from the opposite side of camp.”
“Positioning his two-handed sword low in near ward position, LT ”
This is good, you can imagine him standing to absorb the charge. You could add his facial expression of determination…
“Cries of horror from inside the tents were quickly silenced.” There we go, some sound…
Scout took all near her down; I guess that means the gnolls split, some to the tents and some towards LT?
The LT fight with the gnoll leader and bodyguard seem a bit in contrast to Autumn’s musing on the deadliness of gnolls. I assume you want to highlight that LT is beyond an elite warrior… I see you highlight his stances here. You mention that he gutted the first gnoll. As a katana is single bladed, I assume he did that with the tip.
I think you can let the children’s screams and expressions handle their terror. You don’t need to say it. Some may be frantically trying to get their hands out of the cuffs, etc.
“Several gnolls finished their battle at the campfire…”
I am getting a bit lost in the sequence of events. Which battle at the campfire do you mean here? I thought the deputies/warden were long dead, most had been killing in the tents and a couple went towards JT and were killed by Hunter. Is this the tents, or was there something else I am missing? Also, which gnolls did Scout kill? The ones at the tents?
“He pointed at the charging leader with his staff and”
I thought the leader was locked in combat with JT, not charging.
“over the growls and howls of the attacking gnolls”
Maybe some whines and yips from the hurt ones…
“Two quick arrows sunk deep into their targets’ backs creating an opening.”
I’d advocate for a comma:
“Two quick arrows sunk deep into their targets’ backs, creating an opening.”
“and the battle—for the moment—was paused.”
I don’t think you need the ‘was’. “and the battle—for the moment—paused.”
I don’t understand this sentence:
“The gnolls gotta break the chain when they haul them away.”
Well, on second read, I partially get it. The gnolls are looking for dinner. But they have machetes, they could cut off whatever is locked in the chain. Also, not sure why breaking the chain is a win for covering up their involvement. Maybe you cover that later.
“had put an arrow into a slaver’s kidney.”
“had put an arrow into the coward’s kidney.”
LT tagged along. “It was five years ago…You were in the tree,” he blurted, in a moment of recognition. “And you three…I saw you in town.”
In this bit, I assume that LT just realized that Hunter had been in the tree at the start of the gnoll fight. If yes, I’d split the two statements.
LT tagged along. “It was five years ago…” LT’s eyes widened. “You were in the tree,” he blurted, in a moment of recognition. “And you three…I saw you in town.”
This statement seems a bit strange to me:
“Oh, honey,” Autumn chuckled, shaking his head, “if he thought you were one of these guys…”
I assume it will make sense later. I had believed from the first chapter that the elves were bounty hunters working for them/their boss, whether they liked it or not. The potential threat seems a bit illogical, at least with the information I have right now.
This is golden feedback, Craig. I appreciate it. I don’t write many action scenes. So I appreciate the help.
Chapter 2 was very short, so reading chp 3. Overall thoughts:
Very fast paced.
Very visual. What did this sound like? What did it smell like? This was brutal, engage all our senses. What do gnoll warcries sound like to a half asleep deputy or warden? What do their screams sound like while their blood leaks from arrow holes? Did the coward deputy empty his bowels? You could really turn up the realism (if you wish, not sure the subgenre here…)
Notes:
Trying to imagine this:
“They were charging through the meadow along the tree line.”
When I see ‘through the meadow’ I imagine open, grassy ground. ‘along the tree line.’ makes me think of the meadow’s edge. Now I am wondering, are they running in a rough line instead of a wave? I suppose the later section where Scout waits for them all to pass and attempts to shoot the last one in the back supports this image. Just seems a bit illogical to me. I am making an assumption, of course, that gnolls are bloodthirsty and eager to hit the camp. I would expect them more in a group.
When I wrote this, I considered how wolves and jackals run down their prey. They aren’t in formation. They are in a disorganized line, more or less.
But you are right about “meadow”. That’s the wrong image. Pasture is better. Pastures can be studded with shade trees.
Dem be some loud and numerous coyotes.
I live on the edge of town where coyotes are common. They can be extremely loud when they are close. And five can sound like twenty-five when they get going.
Feels a bit awkward to me: “As the last gnoll passed by her hidden position into the camp,”
Maybe, “After the last gnoll passed her hidden position,”
You’re right. She would do it after, not as.
I find reading the sentence starting with ‘So’ a bit awkward. I think you could either drop the ‘so’, or combine the two sentences.
“stumbled. So her target”
Yep. Got it.
“Immediately drawing her bowstring, she stood as still as possible hoping to avoid detection.”
Not sure I’d change it, but drawing her bowstring isn’t standing as still as possible. Maybe, “After quickly drawing her bowstring, she stood…”
Good suggestion. Done.
A scene break might make sense after this and before “At the other end of the camp,”
We switch perspectives, area in the battle, and a scene break, I think, adds to the suspense. Is Scout ok? Did she manage to hide?
Dinkus inserted. Thank you.
“Long, curved, single edged sword” You called it a katana before. I’d lean into the two-handed grip, the open shoulder width stance typically assumed, sword in front.
I’d flip this:
“The others crumpled beneath a hail of blades and gnashing teeth a few moments later.”
“In moments, the others disappeared in a mist of blood amongst a hail of blades and gnashing teeth.”
Good sentence. Thanks.
“by a single slash of his sword.” Downward chop or slash?
I am mixed on the deserter paragraph. Would Hunter take a timeout from over a dozen gnolls murdering sleeping slaves in tents to try to kill a gnoll chasing a coward who was supposed to protect them? You could always move the paragraph down a bit. Side note-would any of the gnolls be distracted by all the corpses? The might be very hungry and would enjoy a quick snack. Their leader hasn’t arrived yet.
Strengthened. Thanks for the suggestion.
Suggestion: “Nevertheless, his awkward death helped his fellow tribesmen by buying a few precious seconds, allowing them to swarm the tents.”
To: “Nevertheless, his awkward death bought his fellow tribesmen precious seconds, allowing them to swarm the tents.”
Bingo. Thanks.
“The attack from the opposite side of the camp began just as they arrived.”
Just as they arrived at the camp? Just as they swarmed the tents?
Maybe something like: “Screams from the slave tents heralded the arrival of the gnoll leader from the opposite side of camp.”
Fixed. Thank you.
“Positioning his two-handed sword low in near ward position, LT ”
This is good, you can imagine him standing to absorb the charge. You could add his facial expression of determination…
“Cries of horror from inside the tents were quickly silenced.” There we go, some sound…
Scout took all near her down; I guess that means the gnolls split, some to the tents and some towards LT?
Some to the tents. Some to the fire where the overseer and the deputies faced them.
The LT fight with the gnoll leader and bodyguard seem a bit in contrast to Autumn’s musing on the deadliness of gnolls. I assume you want to highlight that LT is beyond an elite warrior… I see you highlight his stances here. You mention that he gutted the first gnoll. As a katana is single bladed, I assume he did that with the tip.
Autumn’s musings were about humans hand-to-hand against gnolls. Most of the gnolls are brought down by by sniper fire, not hand-to-hand. LT only faces one gnoll still fully on his feet and it’s not the leader. The inference is that the team is elite and they benefit from the element of surprise. While they did not expect gnolls, neither did the gnolls expect elves.
I think you can let the children’s screams and expressions handle their terror. You don’t need to say it. Some may be frantically trying to get their hands out of the cuffs, etc.
Good point. Got it.
“Several gnolls finished their battle at the campfire…”
I am getting a bit lost in the sequence of events. Which battle at the campfire do you mean here? I thought the deputies/warden were long dead, most had been killing in the tents and a couple went towards JT and were killed by Hunter. Is this the tents, or was there something else I am missing? Also, which gnolls did Scout kill? The ones at the tents?
Fixed.
“He pointed at the charging leader with his staff and”
I thought the leader was locked in combat with JT, not charging.
The leader is not out front. He arrives last.
Time is shifting along with perspective. I will use dinkuses better.
“over the growls and howls of the attacking gnolls”
Maybe some whines and yips from the hurt ones…
“Two quick arrows sunk deep into their targets’ backs creating an opening.”
I’d advocate for a comma:
“Two quick arrows sunk deep into their targets’ backs, creating an opening.”
Got it.
“and the battle—for the moment—was paused.”
I don’t think you need the ‘was’. “and the battle—for the moment—paused.”
I don’t understand this sentence:
“The gnolls gotta break the chain when they haul them away.”
Well, on second read, I partially get it. The gnolls are looking for dinner. But they have machetes, they could cut off whatever is locked in the chain. Also, not sure why breaking the chain is a win for covering up their involvement. Maybe you cover that later.
The idea is that the chain is a convenient take out container for the gnolls. But this is a fair point. I significantly reduced the number of deputies at one point. I will take another look at this.
“had put an arrow into a slaver’s kidney.”
“had put an arrow into the coward’s kidney.”
I like this. Done.
LT tagged along. “It was five years ago…You were in the tree,” he blurted, in a moment of recognition. “And you three…I saw you in town.”
In this bit, I assume that LT just realized that Hunter had been in the tree at the start of the gnoll fight. If yes, I’d split the two statements.
LT tagged along. “It was five years ago…” LT’s eyes widened. “You were in the tree,” he blurted, in a moment of recognition. “And you three…I saw you in town.”
Excellent suggestion.
This statement seems a bit strange to me:
“Oh, honey,” Autumn chuckled, shaking his head, “if he thought you were one of these guys…”
I assume it will make sense later. I had believed from the first chapter that the elves were bounty hunters working for them/their boss, whether they liked it or not. The potential threat seems a bit illogical, at least with the information I have right now.
This will be revealed.