These days, a lot of people are asking me how I’m doing and if I’m OK.
The truth is, I’m not OK. I’m not even remotely OK. But I will be OK again. It will just take some time.
At this moment, I am experiencing something called an autistic meltdown.
When this happens, it becomes extremely difficult to regulate my emotions. In fact, the only emotional responses I experience during meltdowns are fight or flight responses.
This is why I have dropped off the face of the Earth.
If I am around people right now, I am likely to become very verbally aggressive (rude). I may say hurtful things or use ugly language that does permanent harm to future relationships.
The only other alternative I have to this fight response is a flight response. In other words, retreat and withdraw from everything — including personal relationships — suddenly and without warning.
Neither of these are good options and a neurotypical person can choose a middle road between these extremes. Unfortunately for me, I am not neurotypical.
In order to prevent meltdowns from happening, autistic people are advised to do three things:
- Engage in your special interest
- Engage in physical activity
- Engage in your favorite soothing sensory activity
This is generally good advice and normally, this is how I try to live.
In this particular instance, however, there are obstacles standing in the way of living my best life as an autistic person.
First, teaching pickleball is my special interest. It is my only special interest. But since the board has taken that away from me (without justification), I can’t do that anymore.
Second, running in the gym in the morning, teaching pickleball, and playing pickleball are the physical activities that help me prevent meltdowns. But, again, the board has taken those away from me (without justification).
Finally, I am in such an advanced stage of meltdown right now that I can’t even listen to music — which is something I generally count on to soothe me through these rough patches.
So when I say that I’m not OK, this is what I mean.
It’s not that I don’t want to be with everyone. It’s that I just can’t do it right now. I am not well enough to be around people and I am not strong enough to mask.
What I will be doing to resolve this is going to the gym and seeking out a new special interest to replace pickleball. In a few weeks, the meltdown should subside and I should be able to listen to music again, which will be a big help.
But while I can promise you that I will be OK again in time, I can’t promise you that I will ever return to pickleball coaching.
Cedarbrae worked well for me because it was a small facility that I was able to access during the quietest hours of the day. Since I am not likely to be able to recreate that situation anywhere else, it’s unlikely that I will ever teach pickleball again.
So to my students I say goodbye and good luck. It was a pleasure working with all of you.
I am sorry that we are unable to continue but if I am to get well again, I must move on.